Am I ready to go home?

What a loaded question that is. My initial answer is: absolutely. As I told my mom, I have been ready to go home since January 11 :) In some ways, I’m totally serious when I say that. However, I also realize that it’s not as simple as “yes I want to go home.” Let me try to explain.

I miss a lot of things about home. I miss my family. I miss my niece (whom I’ve never met). I miss my friends. I miss independence. I miss comfort. I miss being able to chose what I want to eat. I miss listening to music on the radio. I miss worshipping in English. I miss watching TV or a movie once in awhile. I miss my bed. I miss freedom. I miss expressing crabbiness when I’m crabby.  I miss cooking. I miss having a schedule. I miss American food. I miss sweatpants. I miss being able to sit outside. I miss the absence of traffic. I miss walking around without fear. I miss safety. I miss the piano. I miss walking barefoot in the house.

I wouldn’t say this is an exhaustive list (believe it or not, I could probably come up with more :) but here are some of the things that I look forward to enjoying again when I am back home.

While there are quite a few things I’m looking forward to about home, there are also a lot of things I like about Costa Rica. Now, some of the things I like about Costa Rica may seem contradictory with my previous list, but oh well. Isn’t life full of contradictions?  

In Costa Rica, I like the weather. I like the beautiful landscape. I like my professors here. I like the fact that I’m learning. I like that I’m being stretched. I like that I’m being challenged. I like rice and beans. I like the lack of schedule on the weekend. I like the adorable kids everywhere. I like the colors in the city. I like that I can walk less than 5 minutes (no matter where I am) and there will be a bakery and a little pulperia with anything I could need. I like Spanish. I like the emphasis and focus on family. I like having so many deep conversations with people from all different walks of life.

To be honest, this second list was a lot more difficult to construct than the first. It’s not like I have hated my semester in Costa Rica, but I would not say that it has been “fun.” I can already hear people asking me this question when I get back: “Oh you studied in Costa Rica! Was it just wonderful and awesome and fun?” And my disappointing answer to them will be: “Nope.” Okay, I won’t say it quite like that, but I will be honest. My semester has not been full of wonderful, fun times for me. I’m not an extravert who just eats up all the changes, new experiences, and random activities. Sure, I have had fun moments, but overall, the semester has been too hard to label it as fun. I absolutely do not regret studying in Costa Rica, but I was not prepared for the intense challenges that I would face. Nonetheless, it is those tough experiences that lead me to say that this has been a great experience. Without being stretched, I will not become more like Christ. Without pain, I will not face my weaknesses. Without learning new information, I will never grow closer to understanding truth. Without being peeled apart, I will not grow. I trust God is using the challenges of this semester to mold me more into his likeness. It’s just that… it hurts to be molded.   

I also know that the molding has just begun. I have seen and experienced a lot in the past 4 months, but I have digested very little of it. Mostly I have tried to take it all in. Now I’m going to have to start the process of working through the tough issues that I learned about. As I work through these things, I know that there are things in my life that will need to change. I cannot see the things I’ve seen this semester and not change some areas of my life. Even though I don’t know what that looks like right now, eventually I’m going to have to figure it out. I’m going to have to stand for my beliefs which will require changes in my life. But for now, I have to figure out what exactl I believe about these things: politics, economics, shopping, poverty, missions, and other areas. I have to wrestle with these issues because ignorance is not an excuse, and my beliefs and actions DO matter.

I am also aware that other people have not had the same experiences as I have. Rather, they have been living their lives without me present. People might not want to talk to me about politics or poverty. They might not care what I’ve seen. They might not care about global issues. They might not want to have deep conversations like I’m used to having all the time.

Instead, they have been living their lives. They missed out on my experiences, but I missed out on theirs as well. For example, I missed the birth of my first niece. I missed my friends’s bachelorette parties. I missed the day-to-day routine of living with my friends on a college campus my senior year. These are things that I would have loved to be present for, but I wasn’t. My life was not in sync with the world back home. We have been living in 2 very different worlds, and now those two worlds are about to collide for me again.

When I go back, things are not going to be the same. Then again, I am not the same either. I couldn’t exactly tell you how I’m different, but I’m pretty sure I am. All I know is that I’m totally in process. I am in the process of learning, criticing, digesting, and changing my life to become more like the person Christ wants me to be. Therefore, hopefully I’m not the same.

In 16 days, I will be back home. My life is going to change…again. I don’t like change. I know change is necessary, and I fully believe it signifies growth in a person’s life. Nonetheless, it’s hard. As one chapter of my life is coming to an end, I know the next chapter is going to be tough too. Hopefully, this helps you see that the question of whether or not I’m ready to come back home is a little more complicated than it seems. But, hey, that’s life. Complicated.