Although I would love to say that my wrestling with God has finally ended, I can’t do that. I would be lying. However, I do still feel like God has been giving me encouragement and hope to keep pressing on. In obedience and hope, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.
So what does it mean to “press on”? It’s something I’m trying to figure out, and I think it looks different for every person. For me, pressing on means that I keep addressing the areas in my life that are holding me back from God.
As I mentioned earlier, doubt is a huge weakness that I seriously struggle with. Pressing on means that I keep taking my doubts to God. I keep telling him when I don’t trust him. I keep telling him when I’m not sure. I keep telling him when I’m not convinced. I need to take my doubts to God every day. I need to keep lying them down before God until they are no longer mine.
Since I’ve been in Costa Rica, I’ve learned a lot about myself. Most of what I’ve learned about myself I do not particularly like. My faith is weak. I do not have a strong prayer life. Materialism is a bigger part of my life than I would like to admit. I am selfish. I like to be in control. I like to be comfortable. These are just a couple examples, and there are oodles more. To me, pressing on means that I keep confronting these black areas in my life because they are holding me back from a deeper intimacy with God. I need to daily confess my weaknesses. I need to continually take them to God until they are no longer weaknesses in my life.
Taking my weaknesses before God means that I have to be in conversation with him. This means I have to be praying to him. Well, what am I supposed to do when prayer is one of the areas that I’m struggling with? I don’t know. I’ve been taught to pray without ceasing. To cast all your cares upon God. To bring your requests to God and he will hear you. These things all sound really great, but it’s hard to make me believe them when I still have the lingering doubts in my mind. Yes, I’m praying that God would eradicate the doubts, but are my prayers canceled out because I don’t fully have faith that God will hear me? A big battle in my life right now is learning how to pray. How do I pray when I have doubts about prayer? How do I continually talk to God throughout the day? What does God want in my prayers?
I don’t know the answers to a lot of questions. But by the grace of God, I press on.
Father God,
My heart is so black. I fail so often, and I do not measure up to the kind of person that you want me to be. I don’t feel you, and I still have doubts that linger in my heart. But father, you have given me the strength to keep fighting for you. I believe that you are worth it. So I press on.
God, these black spots on my heart do not go away easily, but I pray that you, in your infitite love, will hear me as I bring my requests before you.
Eradicate the doubts that exist in my heart.
Show me that you are enough.
Show me that you are worth risking everything for.
Increase my desire for you.
Make me satisfied in you.
Give me a deeper understanding of you.
Show me what it means to seek you.
Please let yourself be found by me.
Transform my life.
Make me fall in love with you.
Increase my passion for prayer.
Remind me of your infinite goodness and faithfulness.
I have to believe that you are listening, Father. I believe…help me overcome my unbelief.
In Jesus’ name I pray this,
Amen.
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