Another day off.

Today I had another day off. You’re probably thinking that I’m not doing anything lately. And you would be correct :)

I started off the day by having breakfast with my mom before she left for work as usual. The rest of my morning was spent listening to Francis Chan sermons and journaling. After lunch, I headed down to San Jose by myself to spend the afternoon walking around. I walked up differente streets and went into different stores. After while, I got tired and sat down in a plaza type thing and read my book. As I read over what I just wrote, I think to myself: “That sounds wonderful and relaxing.” And I wonder then why the heck I feel more stressed and frustrated than I did 2 days ago.

Oh yes. I remember why this day was so stressful. I remember why I couldn’t relax. My mind and heart and soul were constantly wrestling with God today. I’m spiritually a wreck, and this is affecting every part of my life. Even a day that is filled with relaxing activities ends up being a stressor that leaves me annoyed and crabby.

These moments of frustration and wrestling are starting to characterize my life. I wish I could tell you that everything has been going well. That I am getting so much stronger spiritually. That God is providing for me. That God is showing me that he is all I need. But then I would be lying on several accounts. Instead, I have to be honest with you and admit that I’m absolutely over my head right now. I don’t’ know how to explain it, but I just want you to believe me when I say it is awful.

I’m consumed with doubt and fear. I do not feel like God is manifested in my life. I do not feel like the Holy Spirit has transformed my life. I do not feel the love of God. I do not feel in the depth of my heart and soul that Christ is truly in love with me. My soul has not been confirmed with the Holy Spirit that I belong to Christ. Yet I pray…and I journal…and I read my Bible…and I seek advice from mature believers…and I read books. Nothing helps. There is no trace of comfort anywhere to be found. I feel totally empty and drained.My life is deeply missing something, and I have been earnestly praying for God to fill that. Yet he leaves me empty.

Right now I’m sitting and staring at my computer screen. Everything in me wants to screen, run away, and cry. Yet my body seems to be frozen and only my fingers are able to move.

I’m fully aware that this blog isn’t fun to read. It isn’t exciting either. But it’s true. This is me, and this is my life.