By the grace of God

I finally made it home! Traveling was a little bit rougher on the way home. I was up at 4:45am Thursday morning to catch my flight out of Miami. Everything went smoothly, and I arrived in Chicago and made my way to the next gate. Well, somehow I managed to miss my flight to Des Moines. A lot of flights were getting changed, delayed, and canceled because of the storms, so it was kind of crazy there. There are 2 possible explanations for how I missed my flight: they switched the gate or I read the gate wrong. I honestly have no idea which it was. I’ve been humbled too many times this semester to stubbornly say “No—I read the gate right. It was the airlines fault.” It’s possible that the airline did switch it. It’s also possible that I read it wrong. Either way, it doesn’t matter how I missed it, the point is that I was stuck in the Chicago airport when I just wanted to be home.

Thankfully, I’ve learned a lot of survival skills this semester, and I managed to figure out how to get my flight switched where they put me on standby. If the plane did not fill up, they would let me get on. If it was full, tough luck for me. By the grace of God, someone didn’t show up for the flight, and they let me on. Oh I was so thankful!

Since I haven’t had internet access in quite awhile, it’s not possible to update you on everything that has happened in the past 2 weeks, but I for sure want to give you a quick overview of Cuba.

In a nutshell, I am in love with Cuba. In my opinion, Cuba looks more like Jesus than any other country. As you read this, you are probably thinking: “Wow, she went off the deep end.” Actually, I don’t think I did at all. Cuba really is a wonderful country, and the people were the kindest people I have ever met. I was totally floored.

First of all, Cuba is complicated. Black and white thinking does not work when you are trying to analyze the Cuban reality. In addition to its complexity, Cuba is really given an unfair reputation. Most of the things that I had heard about Cuba are simply not true. In fact, they are lies.

Now, you might now believe me, but I want to try to honestly explain some of the conclusions that I have come to during my trip to Cuba. I encourage you to research Cuba for yourself and make your own conclusions as well.

§  Cuba is not communist.

§  Fidel Castro is not evil.

§  It is not illegal to be a Christian.

§  Fidel Castro is a better man than any other dictator in the history of the world.

§  The United States acts like a bully to Cuba.

§  Poverty does not exist in Cuba.

§  People do not get put in prison if they say something bad about the government.

§  They have one of the best education systems in the world.

§  I want the United States to stop the trade embargo on Cuba.

§  The people of Cuba are genuinely nice and warm people.

§  As a society, the people are selfless and really understand what it means to be a community.

Okay so these are just a couple things that I learned about Cuba, and I hope they at least sound interesting to you.

On a lighter note, here are some of the awesome things that we got to do while we were in Cuba. We got the privilege to meet a lot of really awesome Cubans and have good conversations with them. A lot of different speakers talked to our group. Among these speakers were Raul Suarez (a Congressman and pastor), an economic researcher, a medical doctor, and a director of a medical school. These are just a few examples of the opportunities we had in Cuba. My favorite Cuban that I met was actually our interpreter for the week. When all the students are together, we have an interpreter for the lectures. This translator is one of the best interpreters in all of Cuba. In fact, he has been to Fidel Castro’s house 3 times to translate for him. He told us stories of interpreting for Fidel Castro, and it is amazing. He is so incredibly talented. He translates simultaneously. This means that there is no pausing. He translates while the person is talking—listening, processing, switching languages, and speaking the other language—all at the same time! One of the times that he interpreted for Fidel, it was simultaneous translation for over 4 hours straight. Unbelievable. Not only was he incredibly talented, but he was very open and friendly. I asked him a lot of questions throughout the week, and he always gave me his honest opinion with a great sense of humor. I will genuinely miss him.

We also have the privilege of going to be beach for 1 ½ days. The beach in Cuba is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. Honestly, it is prettier than any postcard I have ever seen. It is said that this beach (Vadadero) is one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. I definitely believe that.

Now back to the present moment. Again, it’s impossible to explain everything on my heart and in my head right now. Overall, I feel calm. I would not say that I feel peaceful, but I am incredibly thankful with how God has blessed my transition back to the United States. No, it’s not easy coming back after being in Central America for 4 months. However, I feel like God has poured his grace over me, and I feel calm. I feel calm with taking time to adjust back into life in America, and I feel calm about not figuring everything out right this minute.

Even though I have doubted it so many times before, I am convinced that God has been faithful to me this semester. He has continually protected me, given me safe travels, provided me with good conversations, and loved me through friends and family. Although these things have all been so wonderful, the biggest testament to God’s faithfulness to me this semester is the work he is doing in me. While I still have a lot of questions, lingering doubts, and a significant amount of confusion, God has given me a desire to seek him. I have such a deep and desaparate longing to know God more intimately. I thank God that he has given me a renewed passion to keep seeking him with my whole heart. So I press on.

Since this is my final blog, I want to specifically thank each one of you. Thank you to all of you for your support, thoughts, and prayers. Your encouragement was always appreciated immensely, and I am humbled that God provided me with such a great support system, even from far away. I always knew that people were thinking of me and praying for me, and I cannot tell you how comforting that is. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Until I return!

Hola,

Not a lot of new things have been going on today. I have been packing, reading about Cuba, journaling, and trying to get ready to go. I have a confession to make…I’ve been annoyed all day. It seems like one thing after another doesn’t seem to be working like I would like it to. Rather than rant about all the specifics of why I’m frustrated, I’ll just include a few hints. Among the dysfunctional things that have contributed to my sour mood are my internet, Skype, ATM machines, and my camera. So I’ve been a little frustrated today, but I’m really trying to be open to what God wants to teach me through this day of failures.

Tomorrow I will say good-bye to this family. I have been living with them for over 2 months total, yet I do not anticipate the good-bye being emotion and overly difficult. God has blessed me with a good few days with them since I got back, but I still do not feel a connection or a deep bond with this family. So tomorrow we will say good-bye, and I will close another chapter of my semester in Costa Rica.

I already included the detailed list of what’s going on for the next 2 weeks in my schedule, but I did not include prayer requests. Most of my prayer requests throughout the semester still apply to my situation today, but in particular, I ask that you would pray for God to sustain me once again. The last 2 days I have been really blah and tunned out. I don’t know what it is for sure, but I’m really not myself.

Maybe  it is the idea of another change (leaving this family and going to Cuba). Maybe it’s stress about going back home to the United States. Maybe I’m just being a baby. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m just done and worn out. Maybe I miss my family and friends. Maybe I’m not seeking God passionately enough. I don’t know for sure what the reason is for my “blahness” the last 2 days, but I pray that God would give me energy and life. I pray that he would sustain me as I go on a final trip. I pray that he would not let me check out of this experience but that I would keep learning. I pray that I would continue to seek God. I pray that I find God and be satisfied in him. I pray that I would trust God.

I thank you all for your support, prayers, and encouragement throughout this semester. God has used you, and I am forever grateful. Please continue to do the work of the Lord, wherever you are.

When I get back home at the end of April, I will update my blog again to fill you in on Cuba  and give you a brief update on my transition back to the United States. Until then!

Friday

This week has gone fast, and I’m very thankful for that. Yesterday we had orientation for Cuba. I’m getting excited for this trip. We are going to be meeting with different people from the Cuban government, learning about Fidel Castro, potilics, religion, and more. Obviously, there are a lot of things that we hear about Fidel Castro…mostly “he’s evil and bad and communist.” Although this is the common stereotype for Castro, no one really knows WHY he’s so bad. Well, I’m excited to get to see things for myself and make some of my own conclusions. I think it will be a really awesome trip, and I just pray that God gives me the energy for this final horray.

We are leaving Sunday at 3:00pm for Cuba. This means tomorrow is my last full day with my family. It’s kind of weird to think about all the “lasts” that are happening. Sunday we fly out to Cuba, and then we are staying in a Baptist retreat center during our whole stay in Cuba. We will be in Cuba until Monday April 25. On that morning, we fly back to Costa Rica where we will spend one night. This night we will be staying in a retreat center as well rather than being with our families for one awkward night. On Tuesday morning at 3:00am (yeah….in early morning!) we will be flying from Costa Rica to Miami, Florida. We will spend Tuesday and Wednesday in Miami where we will have a re-orientation to the United States. And finally, on Thursday April 28, I will be flying back home!

I say all these details because I will only have probably 1 or 2 more blogs. We will not have internet access in Cuba, nor will I have internet access in Miami. This means I will only have internet access for 2 more days, and then after that, I won’t have internet until I’m in my very own home again :)

Today we did not have classes, so I went with my friends to San Jose. We spent the day doing some souvienier shopping, walking around downtown, and enjoying each other’s company. It was really good to get to spend some time with them again.

Tonight I have spent with my family. After cafecito, we watched the DVD of my sister’s 15^th birthday party. The 15^th birthday parties are a huge deal here. I mean we are talking huge. When they showed me the DVD it is exactly like a prom, except only 1 girl is being honored! The have a ton of dancing, a supper, a carnival (dancing with masks), a little entertainment, and more dancing. It was really interesting to see this and to see the level of importance his has in the Costa Rican life.

I don’t have much more to say right now, but I hope this blog finds you all happy and satisfied in Christ.

Another change.

Hola!

Well I have officially changed families again and now I’m back living with the first family I was with. Last night I had to say goodbye to my family of 3 weeks. I was surprised at how hard this actually ended up being. It was sad to see how much they wanted me to stay, and it really made me feel loved. My dad and mom ended up driving me to my original family’s house last night. Instead of sitting in the front seat, my mom sat in the backseat with me because she wanted to be next to me. I really was so thankful for this ride that we had together because I felt like it was really good closure on my time with them. We were able to talk about the time I spent there and talk about some of our favorite things that happened the past 3 weeks. I didn’t realize how much I needed to have that closure with them, but God knew.

When I arrived at my first family’s house again, I was so surprised at how warmly I was welcomed back. As you may remember, things haven’t always been super friendly with this family, but I felt very welcomed last night. In fact, we ended up playing Phase 10 for 2 hours last night and laughing a ton. This was the first time we had played a game together, and I just was so thankful for this time together with them. Oh again, God knew what I needed.

So overall, last night was a total surprise. I had a really good closure and goodbye with my internship family, and I felt like I was genuinely welcomed back to this house as well. Wow I was just so surprised and thankful for God’s goodness to me in this.

Today has been a good day. I had class this morning at 10:00am. We mostly just talked about our different experiences and internships. It was kind of a group processing experience, and it was really good to hear all the different stories from the students. Some examples of the variety of internships that were represented are working in a bakery, teaching English, working on an organic farm, and working in a daycare. Everyone’s experience was so unique! It was also so good to get to see my friends again. I genuinely felt happy to see them again, and it was good to catch up some more.

One thing that really hit me this morning during our group processing was what one of the student’s shared with us about what he was learning. He was saying that his internship was really difficult and he just was not enjoying the experience. However, about 1 week in, he realized that he was really worrying about what he wanted and about having the internship fit what he wanted to get out of the experience. He realized that he was not thinking about what God wanted for him.

This was such a wonderful encouragement to me. I have found myself comparing my experience to other students’ experiences throughout the semester. After all, it’s hard not to. You are all together every day and you talk about what is going on in your family and at your house. And now we were all talking about our internships. There have been times where I think to myself, “Oh wow…you're so lucky to have that family” or “That internship sounds like it would have been perfect.” However, through this other student, God reminded me that growth doesn’t happen without challenges.

God could have given me a really fun and relaxed experience this semester. He could have made me fall in love with Costa Rica and have the time of my life, but I probably wouldn’t have grown as much. I would have been content, and I know that contentment does not leave room for growth. God uses the hard experiences to shape and mold me. Yes, this semester has been hard. Sometimes I thought I was done for. But God reminded me today that all the things that happened this semester went through his hand first. He allowed these things to happen in my life because he is in the process of refining me and making me a more genuine disciple of Christ. My experiences have been hard, and oh how they have hurt, but they were necessary for growth.

This made me realize one way that God really has been answering my prayers this semester. Before I left for Costa Rica, I was genuinely praying that God would stretch me and make me grown during this semester. Rather than praying for a semester full of fun times and great memories, I prayed that God would help me grow and ultimately that he would bring me closer to him through this semester. Well, I should have realized that I was indirectly praying for a lot of difficult and challenging experiences. Nonetheless, God is faithful, and he is bringing me through. I’m so thankful today of God’s reminder to me: I may be blinded in the midst of this battle, but he holds the outcome in his hand.

Am I ready to go home?

What a loaded question that is. My initial answer is: absolutely. As I told my mom, I have been ready to go home since January 11 :) In some ways, I’m totally serious when I say that. However, I also realize that it’s not as simple as “yes I want to go home.” Let me try to explain.

I miss a lot of things about home. I miss my family. I miss my niece (whom I’ve never met). I miss my friends. I miss independence. I miss comfort. I miss being able to chose what I want to eat. I miss listening to music on the radio. I miss worshipping in English. I miss watching TV or a movie once in awhile. I miss my bed. I miss freedom. I miss expressing crabbiness when I’m crabby.  I miss cooking. I miss having a schedule. I miss American food. I miss sweatpants. I miss being able to sit outside. I miss the absence of traffic. I miss walking around without fear. I miss safety. I miss the piano. I miss walking barefoot in the house.

I wouldn’t say this is an exhaustive list (believe it or not, I could probably come up with more :) but here are some of the things that I look forward to enjoying again when I am back home.

While there are quite a few things I’m looking forward to about home, there are also a lot of things I like about Costa Rica. Now, some of the things I like about Costa Rica may seem contradictory with my previous list, but oh well. Isn’t life full of contradictions?  

In Costa Rica, I like the weather. I like the beautiful landscape. I like my professors here. I like the fact that I’m learning. I like that I’m being stretched. I like that I’m being challenged. I like rice and beans. I like the lack of schedule on the weekend. I like the adorable kids everywhere. I like the colors in the city. I like that I can walk less than 5 minutes (no matter where I am) and there will be a bakery and a little pulperia with anything I could need. I like Spanish. I like the emphasis and focus on family. I like having so many deep conversations with people from all different walks of life.

To be honest, this second list was a lot more difficult to construct than the first. It’s not like I have hated my semester in Costa Rica, but I would not say that it has been “fun.” I can already hear people asking me this question when I get back: “Oh you studied in Costa Rica! Was it just wonderful and awesome and fun?” And my disappointing answer to them will be: “Nope.” Okay, I won’t say it quite like that, but I will be honest. My semester has not been full of wonderful, fun times for me. I’m not an extravert who just eats up all the changes, new experiences, and random activities. Sure, I have had fun moments, but overall, the semester has been too hard to label it as fun. I absolutely do not regret studying in Costa Rica, but I was not prepared for the intense challenges that I would face. Nonetheless, it is those tough experiences that lead me to say that this has been a great experience. Without being stretched, I will not become more like Christ. Without pain, I will not face my weaknesses. Without learning new information, I will never grow closer to understanding truth. Without being peeled apart, I will not grow. I trust God is using the challenges of this semester to mold me more into his likeness. It’s just that… it hurts to be molded.   

I also know that the molding has just begun. I have seen and experienced a lot in the past 4 months, but I have digested very little of it. Mostly I have tried to take it all in. Now I’m going to have to start the process of working through the tough issues that I learned about. As I work through these things, I know that there are things in my life that will need to change. I cannot see the things I’ve seen this semester and not change some areas of my life. Even though I don’t know what that looks like right now, eventually I’m going to have to figure it out. I’m going to have to stand for my beliefs which will require changes in my life. But for now, I have to figure out what exactl I believe about these things: politics, economics, shopping, poverty, missions, and other areas. I have to wrestle with these issues because ignorance is not an excuse, and my beliefs and actions DO matter.

I am also aware that other people have not had the same experiences as I have. Rather, they have been living their lives without me present. People might not want to talk to me about politics or poverty. They might not care what I’ve seen. They might not care about global issues. They might not want to have deep conversations like I’m used to having all the time.

Instead, they have been living their lives. They missed out on my experiences, but I missed out on theirs as well. For example, I missed the birth of my first niece. I missed my friends’s bachelorette parties. I missed the day-to-day routine of living with my friends on a college campus my senior year. These are things that I would have loved to be present for, but I wasn’t. My life was not in sync with the world back home. We have been living in 2 very different worlds, and now those two worlds are about to collide for me again.

When I go back, things are not going to be the same. Then again, I am not the same either. I couldn’t exactly tell you how I’m different, but I’m pretty sure I am. All I know is that I’m totally in process. I am in the process of learning, criticing, digesting, and changing my life to become more like the person Christ wants me to be. Therefore, hopefully I’m not the same.

In 16 days, I will be back home. My life is going to change…again. I don’t like change. I know change is necessary, and I fully believe it signifies growth in a person’s life. Nonetheless, it’s hard. As one chapter of my life is coming to an end, I know the next chapter is going to be tough too. Hopefully, this helps you see that the question of whether or not I’m ready to come back home is a little more complicated than it seems. But, hey, that’s life. Complicated.

My prayer for today.

Although I would love to say that my wrestling with God has finally ended, I can’t do that. I would be lying. However, I do still feel like God has been giving me encouragement and hope to keep pressing on. In obedience and hope, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. 

So what does it mean to “press on”? It’s something I’m trying to figure out, and I think it looks different for every person. For me, pressing on means that I keep addressing the areas in my life that are holding me back from God.

As I mentioned earlier, doubt is a huge weakness that I seriously struggle with. Pressing on means that I keep taking my doubts to God. I keep telling him when I don’t trust him. I keep telling him when I’m not sure. I keep telling him when I’m not convinced. I need to take my doubts to God every day. I need to keep lying them down before God until they are no longer mine.

Since I’ve been in Costa Rica, I’ve learned a lot about myself. Most of what I’ve learned about myself I do not particularly like. My faith is weak. I do not have a strong prayer life. Materialism is a bigger part of my life than I would like to admit. I am selfish. I like to be in control. I like to be comfortable. These are just a couple examples, and there are oodles more. To me, pressing on means that I keep confronting these black areas in my life because they are holding me back from a deeper intimacy with God. I need to daily confess my weaknesses. I need to continually take them to God until they are no longer weaknesses in my life.

Taking my weaknesses before God means that I have to be in conversation with him. This means I have to be praying to him. Well, what am I supposed to do when prayer is one of the areas that I’m struggling with? I don’t know. I’ve been taught to pray without ceasing. To cast all your cares upon God. To bring your requests to God and he will hear you. These things all sound really great, but it’s hard to make me believe them when I still have the lingering doubts in my mind. Yes, I’m praying that God would eradicate the doubts, but are my prayers canceled out because I don’t fully have faith that God will hear me? A big battle in my life right now is learning how to pray. How do I pray when I have doubts about prayer? How do I continually talk to God throughout the day? What does God want in my prayers?

I don’t know the answers to a lot of questions. But by the grace of God, I press on.

Father God,

My heart is so black. I fail so often, and I do not measure up to the kind of person that you want me to be. I don’t feel you, and I still have doubts that linger in my heart. But father, you have given me the strength to keep fighting for you. I believe that you are worth it. So I press on.

God, these black spots on my heart do not go away easily, but I pray that you, in your infitite love, will hear me as I bring my requests before you.

Eradicate the doubts that exist in my heart.

Show me that you are enough.

Show me that you are worth risking everything for.

Increase my desire for you.

Make me satisfied in you.

Give me a deeper understanding of you.

Show me what it means to seek you.

Please let yourself be found by me.

Transform my life.

Make me fall in love with you.

Increase my passion for prayer.

Remind me of your infinite goodness and faithfulness.

I have to believe that you are listening, Father. I believe…help me overcome my unbelief.

In Jesus’ name I pray this,

Amen.

Oh the money struggle.

I am experiencing what it is like to live on a very tight budget. I have been learning more and more about my family’s economic status. My mom is open to talking to me about everything, so obviously money comes up to. She has told me a few things, and here is a short list of the things that have given me some clues as to my family’s economic status:

§  We do not have hot water because it is too expensive.

§  We have a coffee pot and an iron, but they are paying off “loans” on them.

§  My mom makes $2.50 an hour at her job.

§  My dad forgot to buy lettuce at the farmer’s market, so we were not going to have salad because it was to expensive to buy it in the supermarket. When I looked last time in the supermarket, it was about 50 cents for a head of lettuce.

§  Food is a treasured commodity. I have never gone hungry, but I am definitely conscious of how much I take at meals. Sometimes at supper my mom will take food off her plate and say “I need to save some for tomorrow.” When we have meat, usually I get about 5 bite sized pieces to make sure there is enough for everyone and some for lunches the next day.

§  We save all the leftovers, down to the very smallest thing. For example, the other night we fried potatoes, and we saved the oil in a container. Today we added that oil to the gallo pinto that we had. I know, your thinking “yumm…” right? My thoughts exactly :)

§  For supper one night we had rice, 1 tomato, and 1 can of tuna for 4 people.

§  We do not usually have much food on hand. In fact, there is absoloutely nothing in the freezer, and our fridge has a generous amount of space. There are 2 small cupboards where we keep nonperishable foods. And that’s it. I bet all the food we have in the house right now (including nonperishable items and everything) would easily fit in the refrigerator.

And for a final example, my mom does not have money to take the bus to work tomorrow. She does not know where this money will come from, but she is 100% sure that God will provide something. Money is tight, but my mom’s faith in God is incredible. I don’t know how she does it. She has no doubt in her mind that somehow God will provide for what they need. I want that kind of faith. I want that kind of unwavering hope and confidence that God is going to provide for my needs. I want to have no worries, knowning that somehow God will provide for what I need. I don’t want to be careless (and I really don’t think my family is careless or ignorant about their money), but I do not want to be preoccupied about anything. I want to rest in him as I know that he will provide for me.

One thing I should mention is that I may be somewhat deceived on the money situation because I only hear from my mom’s perspective. For example, my dad has money too, but it is definitiely HIS money. Sometimes we do have a lot to eat, and sometimes we have something special to eat (like a good type of bread). Once in awhile my dad will buy something more expensive (like lettuce at the supermarket) and we will have that. It just really depends on what he wants. My mom does not get any of this money, and he is fully in control of what they buy. It is very much a man’s world, and he gets to chose where the money goes. Therefore, I’m not sure how wise his money spending decisions are, and I have no idea what he chooses to spend his money on.

The difficult thing is to know how to react when I’m living in a situation like this. I’m thankful that our program pays the families that we stay with (at least I’m not a financial burden), but I still feel a pressure to do more. It is hard to know how to handle the difference in our financial situations. I honestly do not know what the proper reaction is when I am faced with poverty, and it is something I am still definitely working through. Poverty and how to handle my money is one of those things where I’m just trying to soak in my experience and the things I’m hearing and seeing. When I get back home, I pray that later God would give me the grace to digest this information and form my own opinion and belief about it because I just simply can’t do that right now. I need more time, space, and grace.