By the grace of God

I finally made it home! Traveling was a little bit rougher on the way home. I was up at 4:45am Thursday morning to catch my flight out of Miami. Everything went smoothly, and I arrived in Chicago and made my way to the next gate. Well, somehow I managed to miss my flight to Des Moines. A lot of flights were getting changed, delayed, and canceled because of the storms, so it was kind of crazy there. There are 2 possible explanations for how I missed my flight: they switched the gate or I read the gate wrong. I honestly have no idea which it was. I’ve been humbled too many times this semester to stubbornly say “No—I read the gate right. It was the airlines fault.” It’s possible that the airline did switch it. It’s also possible that I read it wrong. Either way, it doesn’t matter how I missed it, the point is that I was stuck in the Chicago airport when I just wanted to be home.

Thankfully, I’ve learned a lot of survival skills this semester, and I managed to figure out how to get my flight switched where they put me on standby. If the plane did not fill up, they would let me get on. If it was full, tough luck for me. By the grace of God, someone didn’t show up for the flight, and they let me on. Oh I was so thankful!

Since I haven’t had internet access in quite awhile, it’s not possible to update you on everything that has happened in the past 2 weeks, but I for sure want to give you a quick overview of Cuba.

In a nutshell, I am in love with Cuba. In my opinion, Cuba looks more like Jesus than any other country. As you read this, you are probably thinking: “Wow, she went off the deep end.” Actually, I don’t think I did at all. Cuba really is a wonderful country, and the people were the kindest people I have ever met. I was totally floored.

First of all, Cuba is complicated. Black and white thinking does not work when you are trying to analyze the Cuban reality. In addition to its complexity, Cuba is really given an unfair reputation. Most of the things that I had heard about Cuba are simply not true. In fact, they are lies.

Now, you might now believe me, but I want to try to honestly explain some of the conclusions that I have come to during my trip to Cuba. I encourage you to research Cuba for yourself and make your own conclusions as well.

§  Cuba is not communist.

§  Fidel Castro is not evil.

§  It is not illegal to be a Christian.

§  Fidel Castro is a better man than any other dictator in the history of the world.

§  The United States acts like a bully to Cuba.

§  Poverty does not exist in Cuba.

§  People do not get put in prison if they say something bad about the government.

§  They have one of the best education systems in the world.

§  I want the United States to stop the trade embargo on Cuba.

§  The people of Cuba are genuinely nice and warm people.

§  As a society, the people are selfless and really understand what it means to be a community.

Okay so these are just a couple things that I learned about Cuba, and I hope they at least sound interesting to you.

On a lighter note, here are some of the awesome things that we got to do while we were in Cuba. We got the privilege to meet a lot of really awesome Cubans and have good conversations with them. A lot of different speakers talked to our group. Among these speakers were Raul Suarez (a Congressman and pastor), an economic researcher, a medical doctor, and a director of a medical school. These are just a few examples of the opportunities we had in Cuba. My favorite Cuban that I met was actually our interpreter for the week. When all the students are together, we have an interpreter for the lectures. This translator is one of the best interpreters in all of Cuba. In fact, he has been to Fidel Castro’s house 3 times to translate for him. He told us stories of interpreting for Fidel Castro, and it is amazing. He is so incredibly talented. He translates simultaneously. This means that there is no pausing. He translates while the person is talking—listening, processing, switching languages, and speaking the other language—all at the same time! One of the times that he interpreted for Fidel, it was simultaneous translation for over 4 hours straight. Unbelievable. Not only was he incredibly talented, but he was very open and friendly. I asked him a lot of questions throughout the week, and he always gave me his honest opinion with a great sense of humor. I will genuinely miss him.

We also have the privilege of going to be beach for 1 ½ days. The beach in Cuba is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. Honestly, it is prettier than any postcard I have ever seen. It is said that this beach (Vadadero) is one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. I definitely believe that.

Now back to the present moment. Again, it’s impossible to explain everything on my heart and in my head right now. Overall, I feel calm. I would not say that I feel peaceful, but I am incredibly thankful with how God has blessed my transition back to the United States. No, it’s not easy coming back after being in Central America for 4 months. However, I feel like God has poured his grace over me, and I feel calm. I feel calm with taking time to adjust back into life in America, and I feel calm about not figuring everything out right this minute.

Even though I have doubted it so many times before, I am convinced that God has been faithful to me this semester. He has continually protected me, given me safe travels, provided me with good conversations, and loved me through friends and family. Although these things have all been so wonderful, the biggest testament to God’s faithfulness to me this semester is the work he is doing in me. While I still have a lot of questions, lingering doubts, and a significant amount of confusion, God has given me a desire to seek him. I have such a deep and desaparate longing to know God more intimately. I thank God that he has given me a renewed passion to keep seeking him with my whole heart. So I press on.

Since this is my final blog, I want to specifically thank each one of you. Thank you to all of you for your support, thoughts, and prayers. Your encouragement was always appreciated immensely, and I am humbled that God provided me with such a great support system, even from far away. I always knew that people were thinking of me and praying for me, and I cannot tell you how comforting that is. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Until I return!

Hola,

Not a lot of new things have been going on today. I have been packing, reading about Cuba, journaling, and trying to get ready to go. I have a confession to make…I’ve been annoyed all day. It seems like one thing after another doesn’t seem to be working like I would like it to. Rather than rant about all the specifics of why I’m frustrated, I’ll just include a few hints. Among the dysfunctional things that have contributed to my sour mood are my internet, Skype, ATM machines, and my camera. So I’ve been a little frustrated today, but I’m really trying to be open to what God wants to teach me through this day of failures.

Tomorrow I will say good-bye to this family. I have been living with them for over 2 months total, yet I do not anticipate the good-bye being emotion and overly difficult. God has blessed me with a good few days with them since I got back, but I still do not feel a connection or a deep bond with this family. So tomorrow we will say good-bye, and I will close another chapter of my semester in Costa Rica.

I already included the detailed list of what’s going on for the next 2 weeks in my schedule, but I did not include prayer requests. Most of my prayer requests throughout the semester still apply to my situation today, but in particular, I ask that you would pray for God to sustain me once again. The last 2 days I have been really blah and tunned out. I don’t know what it is for sure, but I’m really not myself.

Maybe  it is the idea of another change (leaving this family and going to Cuba). Maybe it’s stress about going back home to the United States. Maybe I’m just being a baby. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m just done and worn out. Maybe I miss my family and friends. Maybe I’m not seeking God passionately enough. I don’t know for sure what the reason is for my “blahness” the last 2 days, but I pray that God would give me energy and life. I pray that he would sustain me as I go on a final trip. I pray that he would not let me check out of this experience but that I would keep learning. I pray that I would continue to seek God. I pray that I find God and be satisfied in him. I pray that I would trust God.

I thank you all for your support, prayers, and encouragement throughout this semester. God has used you, and I am forever grateful. Please continue to do the work of the Lord, wherever you are.

When I get back home at the end of April, I will update my blog again to fill you in on Cuba  and give you a brief update on my transition back to the United States. Until then!

Friday

This week has gone fast, and I’m very thankful for that. Yesterday we had orientation for Cuba. I’m getting excited for this trip. We are going to be meeting with different people from the Cuban government, learning about Fidel Castro, potilics, religion, and more. Obviously, there are a lot of things that we hear about Fidel Castro…mostly “he’s evil and bad and communist.” Although this is the common stereotype for Castro, no one really knows WHY he’s so bad. Well, I’m excited to get to see things for myself and make some of my own conclusions. I think it will be a really awesome trip, and I just pray that God gives me the energy for this final horray.

We are leaving Sunday at 3:00pm for Cuba. This means tomorrow is my last full day with my family. It’s kind of weird to think about all the “lasts” that are happening. Sunday we fly out to Cuba, and then we are staying in a Baptist retreat center during our whole stay in Cuba. We will be in Cuba until Monday April 25. On that morning, we fly back to Costa Rica where we will spend one night. This night we will be staying in a retreat center as well rather than being with our families for one awkward night. On Tuesday morning at 3:00am (yeah….in early morning!) we will be flying from Costa Rica to Miami, Florida. We will spend Tuesday and Wednesday in Miami where we will have a re-orientation to the United States. And finally, on Thursday April 28, I will be flying back home!

I say all these details because I will only have probably 1 or 2 more blogs. We will not have internet access in Cuba, nor will I have internet access in Miami. This means I will only have internet access for 2 more days, and then after that, I won’t have internet until I’m in my very own home again :)

Today we did not have classes, so I went with my friends to San Jose. We spent the day doing some souvienier shopping, walking around downtown, and enjoying each other’s company. It was really good to get to spend some time with them again.

Tonight I have spent with my family. After cafecito, we watched the DVD of my sister’s 15^th birthday party. The 15^th birthday parties are a huge deal here. I mean we are talking huge. When they showed me the DVD it is exactly like a prom, except only 1 girl is being honored! The have a ton of dancing, a supper, a carnival (dancing with masks), a little entertainment, and more dancing. It was really interesting to see this and to see the level of importance his has in the Costa Rican life.

I don’t have much more to say right now, but I hope this blog finds you all happy and satisfied in Christ.

Another change.

Hola!

Well I have officially changed families again and now I’m back living with the first family I was with. Last night I had to say goodbye to my family of 3 weeks. I was surprised at how hard this actually ended up being. It was sad to see how much they wanted me to stay, and it really made me feel loved. My dad and mom ended up driving me to my original family’s house last night. Instead of sitting in the front seat, my mom sat in the backseat with me because she wanted to be next to me. I really was so thankful for this ride that we had together because I felt like it was really good closure on my time with them. We were able to talk about the time I spent there and talk about some of our favorite things that happened the past 3 weeks. I didn’t realize how much I needed to have that closure with them, but God knew.

When I arrived at my first family’s house again, I was so surprised at how warmly I was welcomed back. As you may remember, things haven’t always been super friendly with this family, but I felt very welcomed last night. In fact, we ended up playing Phase 10 for 2 hours last night and laughing a ton. This was the first time we had played a game together, and I just was so thankful for this time together with them. Oh again, God knew what I needed.

So overall, last night was a total surprise. I had a really good closure and goodbye with my internship family, and I felt like I was genuinely welcomed back to this house as well. Wow I was just so surprised and thankful for God’s goodness to me in this.

Today has been a good day. I had class this morning at 10:00am. We mostly just talked about our different experiences and internships. It was kind of a group processing experience, and it was really good to hear all the different stories from the students. Some examples of the variety of internships that were represented are working in a bakery, teaching English, working on an organic farm, and working in a daycare. Everyone’s experience was so unique! It was also so good to get to see my friends again. I genuinely felt happy to see them again, and it was good to catch up some more.

One thing that really hit me this morning during our group processing was what one of the student’s shared with us about what he was learning. He was saying that his internship was really difficult and he just was not enjoying the experience. However, about 1 week in, he realized that he was really worrying about what he wanted and about having the internship fit what he wanted to get out of the experience. He realized that he was not thinking about what God wanted for him.

This was such a wonderful encouragement to me. I have found myself comparing my experience to other students’ experiences throughout the semester. After all, it’s hard not to. You are all together every day and you talk about what is going on in your family and at your house. And now we were all talking about our internships. There have been times where I think to myself, “Oh wow…you're so lucky to have that family” or “That internship sounds like it would have been perfect.” However, through this other student, God reminded me that growth doesn’t happen without challenges.

God could have given me a really fun and relaxed experience this semester. He could have made me fall in love with Costa Rica and have the time of my life, but I probably wouldn’t have grown as much. I would have been content, and I know that contentment does not leave room for growth. God uses the hard experiences to shape and mold me. Yes, this semester has been hard. Sometimes I thought I was done for. But God reminded me today that all the things that happened this semester went through his hand first. He allowed these things to happen in my life because he is in the process of refining me and making me a more genuine disciple of Christ. My experiences have been hard, and oh how they have hurt, but they were necessary for growth.

This made me realize one way that God really has been answering my prayers this semester. Before I left for Costa Rica, I was genuinely praying that God would stretch me and make me grown during this semester. Rather than praying for a semester full of fun times and great memories, I prayed that God would help me grow and ultimately that he would bring me closer to him through this semester. Well, I should have realized that I was indirectly praying for a lot of difficult and challenging experiences. Nonetheless, God is faithful, and he is bringing me through. I’m so thankful today of God’s reminder to me: I may be blinded in the midst of this battle, but he holds the outcome in his hand.

Am I ready to go home?

What a loaded question that is. My initial answer is: absolutely. As I told my mom, I have been ready to go home since January 11 :) In some ways, I’m totally serious when I say that. However, I also realize that it’s not as simple as “yes I want to go home.” Let me try to explain.

I miss a lot of things about home. I miss my family. I miss my niece (whom I’ve never met). I miss my friends. I miss independence. I miss comfort. I miss being able to chose what I want to eat. I miss listening to music on the radio. I miss worshipping in English. I miss watching TV or a movie once in awhile. I miss my bed. I miss freedom. I miss expressing crabbiness when I’m crabby.  I miss cooking. I miss having a schedule. I miss American food. I miss sweatpants. I miss being able to sit outside. I miss the absence of traffic. I miss walking around without fear. I miss safety. I miss the piano. I miss walking barefoot in the house.

I wouldn’t say this is an exhaustive list (believe it or not, I could probably come up with more :) but here are some of the things that I look forward to enjoying again when I am back home.

While there are quite a few things I’m looking forward to about home, there are also a lot of things I like about Costa Rica. Now, some of the things I like about Costa Rica may seem contradictory with my previous list, but oh well. Isn’t life full of contradictions?  

In Costa Rica, I like the weather. I like the beautiful landscape. I like my professors here. I like the fact that I’m learning. I like that I’m being stretched. I like that I’m being challenged. I like rice and beans. I like the lack of schedule on the weekend. I like the adorable kids everywhere. I like the colors in the city. I like that I can walk less than 5 minutes (no matter where I am) and there will be a bakery and a little pulperia with anything I could need. I like Spanish. I like the emphasis and focus on family. I like having so many deep conversations with people from all different walks of life.

To be honest, this second list was a lot more difficult to construct than the first. It’s not like I have hated my semester in Costa Rica, but I would not say that it has been “fun.” I can already hear people asking me this question when I get back: “Oh you studied in Costa Rica! Was it just wonderful and awesome and fun?” And my disappointing answer to them will be: “Nope.” Okay, I won’t say it quite like that, but I will be honest. My semester has not been full of wonderful, fun times for me. I’m not an extravert who just eats up all the changes, new experiences, and random activities. Sure, I have had fun moments, but overall, the semester has been too hard to label it as fun. I absolutely do not regret studying in Costa Rica, but I was not prepared for the intense challenges that I would face. Nonetheless, it is those tough experiences that lead me to say that this has been a great experience. Without being stretched, I will not become more like Christ. Without pain, I will not face my weaknesses. Without learning new information, I will never grow closer to understanding truth. Without being peeled apart, I will not grow. I trust God is using the challenges of this semester to mold me more into his likeness. It’s just that… it hurts to be molded.   

I also know that the molding has just begun. I have seen and experienced a lot in the past 4 months, but I have digested very little of it. Mostly I have tried to take it all in. Now I’m going to have to start the process of working through the tough issues that I learned about. As I work through these things, I know that there are things in my life that will need to change. I cannot see the things I’ve seen this semester and not change some areas of my life. Even though I don’t know what that looks like right now, eventually I’m going to have to figure it out. I’m going to have to stand for my beliefs which will require changes in my life. But for now, I have to figure out what exactl I believe about these things: politics, economics, shopping, poverty, missions, and other areas. I have to wrestle with these issues because ignorance is not an excuse, and my beliefs and actions DO matter.

I am also aware that other people have not had the same experiences as I have. Rather, they have been living their lives without me present. People might not want to talk to me about politics or poverty. They might not care what I’ve seen. They might not care about global issues. They might not want to have deep conversations like I’m used to having all the time.

Instead, they have been living their lives. They missed out on my experiences, but I missed out on theirs as well. For example, I missed the birth of my first niece. I missed my friends’s bachelorette parties. I missed the day-to-day routine of living with my friends on a college campus my senior year. These are things that I would have loved to be present for, but I wasn’t. My life was not in sync with the world back home. We have been living in 2 very different worlds, and now those two worlds are about to collide for me again.

When I go back, things are not going to be the same. Then again, I am not the same either. I couldn’t exactly tell you how I’m different, but I’m pretty sure I am. All I know is that I’m totally in process. I am in the process of learning, criticing, digesting, and changing my life to become more like the person Christ wants me to be. Therefore, hopefully I’m not the same.

In 16 days, I will be back home. My life is going to change…again. I don’t like change. I know change is necessary, and I fully believe it signifies growth in a person’s life. Nonetheless, it’s hard. As one chapter of my life is coming to an end, I know the next chapter is going to be tough too. Hopefully, this helps you see that the question of whether or not I’m ready to come back home is a little more complicated than it seems. But, hey, that’s life. Complicated.

My prayer for today.

Although I would love to say that my wrestling with God has finally ended, I can’t do that. I would be lying. However, I do still feel like God has been giving me encouragement and hope to keep pressing on. In obedience and hope, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. 

So what does it mean to “press on”? It’s something I’m trying to figure out, and I think it looks different for every person. For me, pressing on means that I keep addressing the areas in my life that are holding me back from God.

As I mentioned earlier, doubt is a huge weakness that I seriously struggle with. Pressing on means that I keep taking my doubts to God. I keep telling him when I don’t trust him. I keep telling him when I’m not sure. I keep telling him when I’m not convinced. I need to take my doubts to God every day. I need to keep lying them down before God until they are no longer mine.

Since I’ve been in Costa Rica, I’ve learned a lot about myself. Most of what I’ve learned about myself I do not particularly like. My faith is weak. I do not have a strong prayer life. Materialism is a bigger part of my life than I would like to admit. I am selfish. I like to be in control. I like to be comfortable. These are just a couple examples, and there are oodles more. To me, pressing on means that I keep confronting these black areas in my life because they are holding me back from a deeper intimacy with God. I need to daily confess my weaknesses. I need to continually take them to God until they are no longer weaknesses in my life.

Taking my weaknesses before God means that I have to be in conversation with him. This means I have to be praying to him. Well, what am I supposed to do when prayer is one of the areas that I’m struggling with? I don’t know. I’ve been taught to pray without ceasing. To cast all your cares upon God. To bring your requests to God and he will hear you. These things all sound really great, but it’s hard to make me believe them when I still have the lingering doubts in my mind. Yes, I’m praying that God would eradicate the doubts, but are my prayers canceled out because I don’t fully have faith that God will hear me? A big battle in my life right now is learning how to pray. How do I pray when I have doubts about prayer? How do I continually talk to God throughout the day? What does God want in my prayers?

I don’t know the answers to a lot of questions. But by the grace of God, I press on.

Father God,

My heart is so black. I fail so often, and I do not measure up to the kind of person that you want me to be. I don’t feel you, and I still have doubts that linger in my heart. But father, you have given me the strength to keep fighting for you. I believe that you are worth it. So I press on.

God, these black spots on my heart do not go away easily, but I pray that you, in your infitite love, will hear me as I bring my requests before you.

Eradicate the doubts that exist in my heart.

Show me that you are enough.

Show me that you are worth risking everything for.

Increase my desire for you.

Make me satisfied in you.

Give me a deeper understanding of you.

Show me what it means to seek you.

Please let yourself be found by me.

Transform my life.

Make me fall in love with you.

Increase my passion for prayer.

Remind me of your infinite goodness and faithfulness.

I have to believe that you are listening, Father. I believe…help me overcome my unbelief.

In Jesus’ name I pray this,

Amen.

Oh the money struggle.

I am experiencing what it is like to live on a very tight budget. I have been learning more and more about my family’s economic status. My mom is open to talking to me about everything, so obviously money comes up to. She has told me a few things, and here is a short list of the things that have given me some clues as to my family’s economic status:

§  We do not have hot water because it is too expensive.

§  We have a coffee pot and an iron, but they are paying off “loans” on them.

§  My mom makes $2.50 an hour at her job.

§  My dad forgot to buy lettuce at the farmer’s market, so we were not going to have salad because it was to expensive to buy it in the supermarket. When I looked last time in the supermarket, it was about 50 cents for a head of lettuce.

§  Food is a treasured commodity. I have never gone hungry, but I am definitely conscious of how much I take at meals. Sometimes at supper my mom will take food off her plate and say “I need to save some for tomorrow.” When we have meat, usually I get about 5 bite sized pieces to make sure there is enough for everyone and some for lunches the next day.

§  We save all the leftovers, down to the very smallest thing. For example, the other night we fried potatoes, and we saved the oil in a container. Today we added that oil to the gallo pinto that we had. I know, your thinking “yumm…” right? My thoughts exactly :)

§  For supper one night we had rice, 1 tomato, and 1 can of tuna for 4 people.

§  We do not usually have much food on hand. In fact, there is absoloutely nothing in the freezer, and our fridge has a generous amount of space. There are 2 small cupboards where we keep nonperishable foods. And that’s it. I bet all the food we have in the house right now (including nonperishable items and everything) would easily fit in the refrigerator.

And for a final example, my mom does not have money to take the bus to work tomorrow. She does not know where this money will come from, but she is 100% sure that God will provide something. Money is tight, but my mom’s faith in God is incredible. I don’t know how she does it. She has no doubt in her mind that somehow God will provide for what they need. I want that kind of faith. I want that kind of unwavering hope and confidence that God is going to provide for my needs. I want to have no worries, knowning that somehow God will provide for what I need. I don’t want to be careless (and I really don’t think my family is careless or ignorant about their money), but I do not want to be preoccupied about anything. I want to rest in him as I know that he will provide for me.

One thing I should mention is that I may be somewhat deceived on the money situation because I only hear from my mom’s perspective. For example, my dad has money too, but it is definitiely HIS money. Sometimes we do have a lot to eat, and sometimes we have something special to eat (like a good type of bread). Once in awhile my dad will buy something more expensive (like lettuce at the supermarket) and we will have that. It just really depends on what he wants. My mom does not get any of this money, and he is fully in control of what they buy. It is very much a man’s world, and he gets to chose where the money goes. Therefore, I’m not sure how wise his money spending decisions are, and I have no idea what he chooses to spend his money on.

The difficult thing is to know how to react when I’m living in a situation like this. I’m thankful that our program pays the families that we stay with (at least I’m not a financial burden), but I still feel a pressure to do more. It is hard to know how to handle the difference in our financial situations. I honestly do not know what the proper reaction is when I am faced with poverty, and it is something I am still definitely working through. Poverty and how to handle my money is one of those things where I’m just trying to soak in my experience and the things I’m hearing and seeing. When I get back home, I pray that later God would give me the grace to digest this information and form my own opinion and belief about it because I just simply can’t do that right now. I need more time, space, and grace.  

The weekend activities

Saturday afternoon I went to La Carpio where they have more of like a youth group activity. There were about 25 girls around age 13 involved. We had a guest speaker come in and talk to the girls about forgiveness and had an activity. The activity was the part that was super interesting for me to watch. During this activity, the girls were doing a competition type thing. It’s kind of complicated to explain, but basically it was nuts. The girls were yelling and standing up shouting at each other as they tried to argue why they were right. This activity was incredible, and I totally just watched. The idea of sitting down and raising your hand was totally foreign. That was not the type of life that they were familiar with. The only form of communication that they know is yelling. It was really good to get to watch this type of interaction between the girls over something so small like a youth group game.

After the afternoon was over, I got a chance to talk to the director of the institute (Marielos) for about a half hour or so. Just to clarify, all the programs in La Carpio that I talk about are all part of the same program: Christ for the City. The part that I am specifically going to talk about is the part that I have been at every afternoon for my internship. 

When I talked to Marielos, she told me more about the girls that I have met and La Carpio in general. She explained how she began working in La Carpio and why she had an interest in this community. One of her first visits to La Carpio left a vivid image in her mind: she saw a baby sleeping in a “hammock” that was made out of old rice bags.

She told me several stories of different people that she had met. One of the stories that really moved me was about 4 girls. These girls were ages 13-16, and they lived in a tiny single room “house.” When she went to visit the girls, they talked to her about what they did and how they got money. They were prostitutes. They had no other way to get money to buy bread. On a later visit to this house, the girls presented her with a present. Marielos was very grateful and thanked the girls, but she also knew they did not have any money. After thanking the girls for the gift, she told them that they did not need to get her a gift. She proceeded to ask them how they could afford a gift for her when they don’t’ even have money to buy bread. The girls told her that they got the money in the same way they get all their money: by selling their bodies for prostitution. They gave up their bodies to get a little bit of money to buy a gift for someone who was much more economically stable than they were.

The original design of this insitution was to be a safe house for women and adolescents who were in dangerous situations. Marielos had this idea of a safe house because of one girl’s specific experience. The girl’s father made her go out and buy something at the little store nearby. When she was walking, some guys called out to her, pulled her into a building, locked the door, and raped her. Upon returning to her house 1 ½ hours later, her dad proceeded to beat her severely because she took so long. Her body was covered in brusies. Marielos has a vision for this institution being a safe house for girls in situations like this.

Although a safe house is the original intent and still the future goal of this place, right now it is mostly a place where the girls come for classes and school. Legally, they have run into some road blocks. Because they are located right next to the trash site for all of San Jose, they are not legally allowed to take in girls for this purpose. They are still working on fighting through these road blocks.

I think it goes without saying that this conversation with Marielos was really great, and I was really thankful for the oporutnity to hear more about these stories first hand.

Saturday night when I got home, I had coffee with my family, made supper with my mom, and got my nails painted again (yeah, I have no say in the past part :).

Sunday my family wanted to take me to the pool. We left about 9:00am, and we spent the day at this pool/park place. It was really nice place, and we had a really good time together. Something interesting to note is that a Tico picnic is not a picnic like I am used to. We brought the crockpot with rice, normal plates and silverware, and everything all prepared and ready to go. We did buy meat to grill on a little electric thing. It was this whole gormet meal…but in the park! Overall, it was fun to cook there and spend time in the beautiful atmosphere. It was relaxing, and we had a good time.

We got back about 4pm, and of course we had to have cafecito (coffee time). At 5:00pm I went with my mom and sister to mass. As I mentioned, they are Catholic, and yesterday I talked to my mom a lot about the Catholic faith and her faith specifically. We talked for probably 20 minutes before church and over an hour after church about faith and her life. It was really an awesome conversation, and God really gave me the grace to be attentive during the whole conversation. Instead of being impatient and antsy to have a break from all the talking, God blessed this conversation and really allowed it to be a wonderful time with my mom.  

God has continued to give me grace when it comes to listening. For example, this morning I listened to my mom and sister talk for about 1 ½ hours straight during breakfast. After that, I took a shower and got right back to listening to my sister for another half hour. The conversations just never seem to wane, but God is giving me his grace. He is teaching me through these conversations, and I am thankful for how he is providing me his grace. On my own, there is no way I can sit and listen attentively to people going off in Spanish for such long periods of time, but God is somehow giving me grace to sit there attentively and try to learn from them as much as possible. I’m so thankful for his grace to me the last 2 days in this way.

I pray that he would continue to give me this grace though. I need more and more…because I know the day is just barely starting :) I love my family dearly—I truly do. I just need a lot of grace. :)

To keep this blog from being eternally long, I’m going to stop here, but I know I still have more to say…so I will probably be posting again before the end of the day.

On a lighter note.

Okay, so to give you all a break from the heavy stuff, here’s what has been going on the last couple days. Yesterday I went to La Carpio for the day, and it was one of the best days I’ve had there. My professors visited me here while we were teaching English, and it was so good to talk to them for a half hour about what was going on. They are so wonderful, and I truly enjoyed getting to connect with them again.

I also had time alone with 2 of the kids after class. They stuck around, and I actually got a chance to talk to them. I was asking them about their families and their dreams. They are both 8 years old, and I remember how fun it is to ask kids of this age questions. They have no shame, and they will answer anything. For example, I asked the little boy how many siblings he had. Usually, this would be an easy question, right? Well, that’s not necessarily true here. He said that he has 2 siblings living with him in Costa Rica, but he has “un monton” living in  Nicaragua (which means a ton). He listed off 5 names, and then he said he didn’t remember the names of his other siblings. This is just one example of what the life is like for these kids. In fact, this is not just a reality of people who live in La Carpio. It is very common in all the areas that are struggling economically. For example, my mom here has 26 brothers and sisters. No, that’s not a typo. Her dad is the father of 27 children in total. Welcome to the world of machismo where the man is perfectly free to have his affairs.

In the afternoon, I tutored a girl individually on her English. I love tutoring 1-on-1 because I feel like I can actually help them. I can actually explain something and work through the problesm with them. I can get a feel for whether or not they are understanding what I’m saying, and I am able to give them the individual attention that they need. I love love love doing this one-on-one with people. Good thing my profession will be working with people individually :)

Last night I was blessed to have a really good conversation with my mom. She was tired, and honestly she didn’t have a ton of energy which made the conversation more calm and at my level. She spent a lot of time talking to me about her past and her upbringing. She has an incredible story, and it is amazing how God has changed her life. Clearly things were less than perfect with her dad, but she also had issues with her mom. Because her family was so poor, her mom was a prostitute because this was the only way she could get money to buy bread for the family. It was really humbling to hear my mom’s story, about how she met her husband, and about her faith. I had heard a lot of these thigns before, but she put them all together and told her story in a sequential fashion. As she was talking, it was very clear that God is alive in her life.

Today I had a free day again, and I go in to work tomorrow with the Saturday programs. Today was wonderful to get to stay at home again and spend time seeking God. I was home alone in the morning, and this afternoon I made empanadas with my mom. Tonight we had a party for the families who have hosted missionaries in this area. We had pizza, played Spanish mixer games, sang songs, and had cake. It was good to spend time with other people there, and I got to spend time talking to the Director of Christ for the City’s wife. She is super sweet, and it was good to talk to her about this ministry a little bit more.

I haven’t said much about my neighborhood in awhile, so I think now would be a good time to update. Let me just say that I’m definitely not in small-town Iowa. This afternoon at 4:30pm I heard a gunshot from nearby. At first, I honestly didn’t think anything of it because my instinct was like: “Oh someone’s hunting.” Then my mind caught up to my reactions and informed me that I was retarded: there is no hunting here. I’m in the middle of a poor city.

This morning at breakfast my mom asked me if I was up at 3:00am that morning. I was like “of course not. What in the world would I be doing up at that time?” She said that she was up because the neighbors were yelling so loud. She explained to me that the guy right across the street does drugs and sells them, and the wife was yelling at him last night. He is 19 and married, and they have a 2 year old daughter. Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon story in this area.

The stories I have heard from my family and the people in La Carpio are unbelievable. The things I have heard honestly feel like they are a story instead of someone’s personal testimony. The things I hear are the things that you see on TV but you assume they are just a form of entertainment. Although I have only gotten a taste of what life is like for the people living in La Carpio and Pavas, I’m humbled and grateful for the opportunity to enter into a small piece of their reality.  

Encouraged.

I’m at a loss for words. I’ve been sitting here for a long time now, trying to figure out what it is that I’m supposed to write. Since no words seemed to be coming to my mind, I searched my Bible, looking for the right passage to express what is going on inside of me right now, yet I did not find the perfect verse that sums up my heart.

So I guess I’ll just try to babble through it as concisely as I can.

I do not know how to explain what is happening in my heart, but I know that I am encouraged. I feel a ray of hope. Yesterday God encouraged me to keep fighting and to keep struggling through these spiritual battles that I’m facing. He encouraged me to not throw in the towel.

As I’ve mentioned numerous times before, I’m just incredibly confused about many things right now. There are so many big issues related to my faith that I do not understand right now. However, God showed me yesterday that I am confusing assurance with understanding. I do not understand most of what is going on right now, but God has opened my eyes to see that I belong to Jesus Christ. This is an assurance that I must hold on to. I must keep going back to this and believing this. I can’t afford not to. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by putting my faith in Jesus Christ. God is giving me the strength to keep going. He alone knows the grace that he has given me, and he will sustain me as I go down the path he has prepared for me.

God is also opening my eyes to the ways that he has been answering my prayers. I am struggling to know if God is answering my prayers or if it is just a natural cause and effect thing that is disguised s an answered prayer. He reminded me that nothing happens outside of his will. Something that seems to be merely a natural consequence still has then hand of God written all over it.

I am truly grateful for the encouragement and hope that God has given me yesterday and today. I am humbled as I see him answer my prayers and your prayers.

It’s obvious by now that I have been vulnerable in this blog throughout the semester. I’m assuming that most of the people who are reading this blog are people who really know me well, but for those of you who don’t, you should know that I really strive to be a genuine person. If I’m crabby, I don’t see the point in putting on a smile and telling the world that my day is wonderful. I truly desire to be genuine with others.

At the same time, this does not mean that I just tell everyone all that is going on in my life. Definitely not. I am genuine, but I am also reserved and introverted. Again, most of you know this about me.  There are actually very few people that I share my whole heart with. Nonetheless, I decided a long time ago that I was going to honestly present my struggles in this blog simply because I wanted to be real. I believe the world is sick of people who fake it all the time, and we are all hungry for some genuine people. I want to be one of those people. The things I’ve been sharing are definitely not the whole story, but they are hopefully a glimpse of my heart and the things that I’m experiencing.

That being said, I think God has rewarded my vulnerability. Yep, it’s risky to be vulnerable. People will talk about you. But it’s totally worth it. As a result of being vulnerable in these blogs, God has placed certain messages on people’s hearts, and these people have emailed me throughout the semester. Although you may not have heard a specific reply from me, these emails have been exactly what I needed to hear. For example, this morning I read an email that was written in response to my last blog post. I have not talked to this person the entire time I’ve been here in Costa Rica. In fact, this person told me that they haven’t read a single blog this entire semester. Nonetheless, God had placed it on this perosn’s heart to read my blog and write me an email in response to the post. This blog was exactly what I needed to hear, and there was a sentence in it that truly was from God. The sentence was: “I think you know deep down that the problem is not that God does not love you but that something in you is preventing you from feeling that love.”  When I read this sentence, I knew that this was 100% correct. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

I’m not saying this so that you will all write me emails of encouragement. Not at all. I share this example to encourage you to keep being the body of Christ, wherever you are. This is what it means to lift each other up in prayer. I have been encouraged by you, and it has been God working through you. I am learning what it means to support each other as brothers and sisters in Christ, and I am so thankful.

Like I said, I want to encourage you to continue being the body of Christ. But in order for this to work, you have to first be vulnerable with others. People cannot know how to encourage you or how to pray for you if you do not tell them. Usually, no one wants to be the one who is vulnerable. It’s not fun to talk about your imperfections. We want to have it all put together and all figured out. I totally get this: I’m a perfectionist by nature. But God is lovingly peeling back the layers of my heart to show me more and more of my weaknesses. The more I am aware of my weaknesses, the more I realize that I cannot do this alone. I need support. I need prayers. I need people to pick me up when I can’t stand on my own. I hope you will be encouraged to be vulnerable with others and to continue picking others up when they can’t stand alone.

Another day off.

Today I had another day off. You’re probably thinking that I’m not doing anything lately. And you would be correct :)

I started off the day by having breakfast with my mom before she left for work as usual. The rest of my morning was spent listening to Francis Chan sermons and journaling. After lunch, I headed down to San Jose by myself to spend the afternoon walking around. I walked up differente streets and went into different stores. After while, I got tired and sat down in a plaza type thing and read my book. As I read over what I just wrote, I think to myself: “That sounds wonderful and relaxing.” And I wonder then why the heck I feel more stressed and frustrated than I did 2 days ago.

Oh yes. I remember why this day was so stressful. I remember why I couldn’t relax. My mind and heart and soul were constantly wrestling with God today. I’m spiritually a wreck, and this is affecting every part of my life. Even a day that is filled with relaxing activities ends up being a stressor that leaves me annoyed and crabby.

These moments of frustration and wrestling are starting to characterize my life. I wish I could tell you that everything has been going well. That I am getting so much stronger spiritually. That God is providing for me. That God is showing me that he is all I need. But then I would be lying on several accounts. Instead, I have to be honest with you and admit that I’m absolutely over my head right now. I don’t’ know how to explain it, but I just want you to believe me when I say it is awful.

I’m consumed with doubt and fear. I do not feel like God is manifested in my life. I do not feel like the Holy Spirit has transformed my life. I do not feel the love of God. I do not feel in the depth of my heart and soul that Christ is truly in love with me. My soul has not been confirmed with the Holy Spirit that I belong to Christ. Yet I pray…and I journal…and I read my Bible…and I seek advice from mature believers…and I read books. Nothing helps. There is no trace of comfort anywhere to be found. I feel totally empty and drained.My life is deeply missing something, and I have been earnestly praying for God to fill that. Yet he leaves me empty.

Right now I’m sitting and staring at my computer screen. Everything in me wants to screen, run away, and cry. Yet my body seems to be frozen and only my fingers are able to move.

I’m fully aware that this blog isn’t fun to read. It isn’t exciting either. But it’s true. This is me, and this is my life.

Aunt Megan. I like that :)

Hola!

Well it is official: I am an AUNT! Evia Kay Van Wyk was born Sunday night at almost midnight at 7.0 pounds. Everything went smoothly in the birth and mom and baby are happy and well :)

Aunt Megan on the other hand…well, she’s quite bummed to be literally worlds away right now. I felt so homesick last night—more so than I had in weeks. I called my mom, only to discover that she was holding Evia at that moment. I am super happy to be an aunt, but I’m so incredibly sad to be here for 3 ½ more weeks. This just makes me want to be done and go back. I was already getting somewhat restless. I had been waiting for this internship: knowing that God wanted to show me things on this internship. Now my internship is almost done, so I’m getting restless to just get back home.

I know that God knows what I need and what I need to see and learn still, but I’m struggling to live here in the moment. Please pray that God would give me the grace I need to face each day. I want to focus on living today and not looking ahead to the future. I want to focus on being here and being present. I want to live this experience to the fullest and have no regrets. Please pray that God gives me the grace to do this.

Yesterday was a good day with my internship, and I had some good conversations. When I say “good conversations” I really mean extremely difficult conversations that are good for me. In the afternoon we had a meeting of about 20 people who work for Christ for the City (the organization that I’m techinically partnered with right now). I got the chance to talk 2 different people who work for Christ for the City, and those conversations were hard because I just continue to learn more and more about myself on this internship. It’s wonderful that God is showing me different things about myself. The problem is that I dont’ like what I’m finding. This makes for some difficult wrestling matches with God. Each day I’m learning something new about myself, yet I’m finding very few solutions.

This means that I could really use extra prayers right now. Even though I’m getting to the end of the semester, that does not mean that the challenges are easier. Not at all. Right now, I really sincerely pray that God transforms my life. I pray that he fills me with his spirit, and I pray that he would allow me to feel his presence in my life.

Today is a bit different because I do not go to La Carpio. They have a leaders retreat, so I have the day off. My mom just left for a class that she is taking, so I have the morning alone to journal, read my Bible, and spend time with God. I need this time, and I truly pray that God uses this time to encourage me as I feel in desparate need of encouragement.

The weekend.

Yesterday was pretty casual, and I’m not going to bore you with a detailed list of what I did. I did enjoy going to the market and running errands with my dad, but otherwise it was pretty calm and normal. Today I went to church with one of the girls who is a missionary in La Carpio. She lives 5 houses down from me and our moms are really good friends. This church is totally different than the church that my family here goes to. My family is Catholica, but her family is evangelical. It is really difficult to explain what this was like, but it was definitely an experience.

There was whistling, congo lines, dancing, flags, and singing. At one point someone answered his cell phone during the service. That was a first for me :) The service lasted about 2 ½ hours, and it was good to see a different style of worship. It might not be what I’m used to or even comfortable with, but that does not mean it is wrong or insincere.

Then after the service they have a group of people who meet those who are new in the church or visiting. This group of people asked about where I was from and things like that. It was really a nice gesture, and it made me feel very welcomed and appreiciated. They prayed over me, and I really appreciated their friendliness.

Finally a slow down!

Hola!

This weekend is a lot different than usual because my mom and sister left for a camp that they have with their church this weekend. My mom was really bummed that it fell on the weekend that I was here, but I assured her that I would be okay. That means that I’m holding down the fort here all weekend with my dad and brother. However, they both worked all day, and I actually did not have to go in to La Carpio today. I spent the morning journaling, listening to a sermon online, and skpying with my dearest friend. I also managed to get some homework done. This afternoon I left to get some air and walk around a little bit, and now I’m back home with my dad and brother. Overall, the day has been much more relaxed than usual, and it has been a good change of pace.

Random side note: when I was out and about this afternoon, a Costa Rican couple in a car pulled up beside me and asked ME for directions! Haha this seriously made me almost burst out laughing. Instead of laughing, I thoughfully tilted my head to the side to give the impression that I was genuinely thinking I might know where this location was, then gently let them down.

Since my mom was going to be gone, she wanted to make different foods for us to have during the weekend. Last night I helped her cook 3 different meals: lasagna, picadillo de chiote, and res con salsa. I really like getting to cook again, and it’s fun to learn how they cook Costa Rican food! Even something like asagna that you would think would be fairly similar is totally different. I wanted to learn, and she definitely loves teaching me :)

Today is April 1…which means that I now have officially less than 1 month left here in Costa Rica. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this, and I’m sure they will continue to be mixed. I’m just going to skip over this part of my emotions and save those thoughts for another day closer to my exit :)

A day of numbers.

Hola!

Today was a little bit different for me. Instead of helping with English and tutoring, I was reqruited to go help with a project. The programs that I am working with are under Christ for the City. This organization has sites in Costa Rica and many other countries. Another organization is called Toms Shoes. Many of you have probably heard of this, but this is a popular shoe company in the United States. For every pair of shoes sold in the United States, the company donates 1 pair to a developing country or a 3^rd world country. Now to make the connection, Toms Shoes is going to donate some of these shoes to Christ for the City in Costa Rica. When Toms Shoes donates to an organization in a developing country, the minimum pairs of shoes that they donate is 17,000. Yeah…17,000!

This is unbelievable and really awesome that the kids I work with in La Carpio are all going to be receiving new shoes that fit them. Now here’s where my job came in today. I helped one of the leaders of Christ for the City tally shoes sizes all day. This means that I would read a list of shoe sizes (yeah…thousands…) and the number of kids from the different locations that had that shoes size while the leader wrote them down. It was all numbers all day! I should be an expert in saying and recording Spanish numbers I think. My tongue was honestly getting tongue twisted from having to do so many trills with the numbers!

Although it was kind of long to just repeat numbers, write them down, and add them on a calculator, I actually really liked the work that I did today because it was something that I could see progress in. I could see that when we were done with a list, we moved on to the next one. I also liked it because I was needed and having help cut the process time in half. I really like to be useful and see the progress taking shape.

This afternoon I had some alone time with God which was much needed. However, I am struggling to feel satisfied with God right now, and I would appreciate your prayers in this area. I pray that God fills me and satisfies me. Honestly, I struggle believeing that God really can meet all my needs and desires. I pray that he shows me that he can.

A boring post, thanks to exhaustion.

Hola!

My days have been going well and pretty fast. The mornings I help teach English to kids who are between 2^nd grade and 6^th grade. For 2 of those mornings, I also tutor a 24 year old one on one in English. In the afternoons, it’s lunch and helping with tutoring usually. On Wednesdays, we have Kids Club, which is kind of like Bible school for 2-3 hours. Wednesdays are long days then, and I’m exhausted. I left my house at 8am and got back at 6:30pm…kids wear you out when you aren’t used to them!

My nights are filled with spending time with my family. I spend a lot of time listening to my mom and sister talk to me :) I also am learning to cook from my mom. Cooking here is totally different! I love cooking in the states, and I do it all the time. Here, I have no idea how to make anything. So it’s fun to learn. I also helped my tutor my sister in English, and last night my mom painted my fingernails (she is taking a beauty class right now). The nights really fly by, and before I know it, it’s time for bed.

Yep, this blog is boring. I have a lot more that is on my mind, and a lot more that I’m going to journal about. Nonetheless, I feel like this is all I’m supposed to share today. Overall, I’m just feeling exhausted, and I’m needing God to give me a boost. A boost of energy. A boost in my self-esteem. A boost in my confidence. And an extra dosage of grace.

Change of plans!

Well, so much for my 6 hours of alone time! After my mom and dad left, I was talking to my brother, and he was getting to out with some friends and invited me to join him. Ten minutes later, we were out the door and on our way to downtown San Jose. Needless to say, my homework progress is lacking :)

It was really great to go downtown with him. He is almost 21 (don’t get any ideas people :) and it was good to get to talk to him a little bit one on one. He is really quiet in the house (you have to be pretty aggressive to get a word in here!). We talked and walked around downtown while he showed me different markets and things like that. We met up with 2 of his friends and spent some time with them too. Overall, it was a really fun day, and I really enjoyed getting to know people my age herer in Costa Rica!

At 8:30pm, I rolled back in at home where I chatted it up with my mom for awhile. Well, it was quite awhile…I got to bed finally at 11:15 :)

This morning I attended Mass with my mom and sister. They are Catholic and it was really a good experience to go to the cathedral. I have learned a lot about Catholicism since being here in Costa Rica, so it wasn’t a total shock. Nonetheless, it was still good to experience it for myself. When we got home, we made pancakes (different than at home, of course), and then I was finally able to talk to my family which really made my day :) Unfortunately, I was in my bedroom for almost 2 hours with no air circulation. Oh, did I mention that it’s ridiculously hot here?! It is probably close to 95 degrees in my bedroom. It is amazing how different the weather is here even though it is only 1 hour away from my other house. It seriously is so hot here!

Who knows what will be going on the rest of the day. I know my sister wants me to help her study for her English test, so I’m sure I’ll be doing that at some point. Maybe I’ll get a chance to be alone. Nah, probably not :)