A step deeper...

Hey everyone,

I wanted to take advantage of my morning off from classes and let you all know some of the behind-the-scenes issues that I’m struggling with right now. If I could describe this program to you, I would. However, it is really difficult to explain what is going on here.

Here’s the best way I know how to say what is happening everyday: I am being completely shredded.  Everything I have ever been taught or believed is being picked apart. I am being rattled to my core, and I am daily faced with opinions that are very different from the things I was told growing up. I am meeting people who have very different beliefs than me on just about every issue.

The point I’m trying to make is that this is not a fun, easy vacation. This is incredibly difficult. Yes, we had a fun weekend in Limon. However, there were so many conversations that were challenging and difficult to digest as well. Every day is filled with something new that challenges something I once believed. I wish I could explain myself more clearly, but it is impossible to understand unless you are experiencing it firsthand.

Now, most of you know I’m pretty deep. I like thinking. I like intellectual conversations. I like discussing things with people. Well, I am definitely able to have those types of conversations. In fact, there are rarely conversations that are NOT deep and intellectual! As you can imagine, it does get to be exhausting. It is hard to hear so many different opinions and beliefs without having time to process them. I think that is the most difficult part for me right now. I am hearing all these thoughts and issues and opinions, yet I have virtually no free time to sit down and process what I’m hearing. This is a huge prayer request that I have right now: that God would truly give me his peace in the midst of all the questions I have right now. I just so deeply want God to fill me with his peace, even though I’m being completely torn apart. The difficult thing is also that there is no slowing down in the future. The whole semester is filled with challenges, and I feel like I have already been learning so much. I’m not sure if my brain can handle all the things that are going to be coming at me in the future. Please pray for peace.

Another thing that is really on my heart is my relationship with God. Every day is just packed with things to do. My relationship with God feels very strained. I deeply want to connect with God, but I’m struggling to do that. He seems very distant right now, and it is so hard to have that distance when everything around me is being shaken as well. As I mentioned, so many of my beliefs about the world are being challenged…including my faith. I so deeply need to be reassured that my relationship with God is real and worth fighting for. I really need the Holy Spirit to reconnect with my spirit. I need to be reminded that my God is real. I need to be reminded that my God is the one who saves. I need to be reminded that my God is living and that he loves me. I need to be reminded that I am his.