Cloud Forest

Hola!

This weekend has been really good, but really fast as well. Friday night I packed my bag for the weekend and went out with my family. We drove to another town where they had little shops out for the evening. We walked around and just looked at the different things people were selling. Afterward, we went out to eat at Pizza Hut! It’s interesting because the Pizza Huts here are way nicer than at home, and the pizza was amazing. We didn’t get home til after 10:30 (of course!), and I had to get up the next day at 6am to leave for our trip. Even though we didn’t get home til late, it was totally worth spending that time with my family. I have spent over 5 weeks with my family now, but there are still challenges and things to overcome. I felt like this night at Pizza Hut was actually a really needed connecting point for me. I really felt like I got along well with my family, and not just with my dad this time. In fact, I made my mom and dad both cry at the restaurant because of the jokes I was making with my dad. My dad is really quick, and we just kept going back and forth with different things. My dad said that I’m witty :) It’s really fun to get to know Spanish well enough that I can be sarcastic with my family. Overall, I felt like it was just really a fun memory with my family.

The next day I left my house at 6:15am and walked for 45 minutes to meet the rest of the students going on the trip. Since the trip was optional, there were only 13 of us going. This ended up being really nice and more convenient to get around. The ride there was interesting, as our bus driver had no idea where we were going. In fact, we stopped and asked for directions 13 times! Haha, yeah…13 times. So the ride there took a little longer than necessary, but we finally made it! The place where we went was actually a research institute clear out in the boonies. I mean, we were really far away from civilization, and it was just a really remote and beautiful place. The mountains were gorgeous and green, and the flowers were everywhere.

When we got there, we hung out a little bit and then walked to a bakery for lunch. This ended up being a good 30 minute hike where we were rewarded with amazing pizza and cinnamon rolls. The lady who owned the bakery was so sweet and an awesome cook. After we were overly stuffed, we walked back and started our 3 ½ hour hike. We hiked through the forest, along a brook, and past 2 waterfalls. The whole thing was just beautiful. Unfortunately, neither words nor pictures can do it justice.

After our hike, we showered up and went out to eat a restaurant that had a buffet. Again, this food was fairly American, and again, so wonderful. I think we all forgot how much we missed American food, and we definitely over stuff ourselves again! The rest of the night we just spent relaxing, talking, and hanging out.

This morning we slept in and made breakfast ourselves. My favorite part was after breakfast: I had 2 hours alone with God overlooking a brook. This is the first time since being here that I have had a peaceful alone time while not being interrupted or feeling unsafe. This is the first time I have been able to just sit outside and enjoy the beauty of Costa Rica by myself. It was so wonderful to just sit in the beautiful sun and overlook a brook that looked like it came out of a picture book. I never get to be independent here or have time to myself, so this was just a wonderful blessing from God. I really was so thankful for this time!

When the morning was over, we had lunch and hit the road. Thankfully, we only had to ask for directions 2 times on the way back :)

Now, tomorrow I take off for another trip. We are going to Nicaragua for 10 days, and I am looking forward to this trip. I know that it will be challenging but also rewarding in various ways. I need to finish packing, but I’m only allowed to have my backpack. Everything that I will possibly need or wear for 10 days must fit in one backpack. :) In all honesty, I love that. .

I ask that you pray that God would give me an open heart and a willing spirit to do whatever I’m called to do on this trip. I pray that God would allow me to experience him as I continue to seek him. Since I will be living in poverty, I pray that God would show me that he is enough for me and no material thing or physical thing will ever satisfy me. I truly pray that God would fill me with himself and overflow me with his love for the Nicaraguan people.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers—I’m so blessed.

The next 2 weeks

Hola!

First of all, thank you for all the kind words and congratulations that I have received about my news :) I’m very humbled and thankful for all the emails I’ve received.

Today we finished our first section of classes. Yeah! I’m excited to be done with this section as it was pretty heavy on homework. I am just also ready for a change of pace. We are starting to get too comfortable I guess :) So to fix the situation, we have a really full schedule the next 2 weeks. Here’s the plan:

Tomorrow I leave at 6:30am for a Cloud Forest  (a forest that is so high in altitude that it is in the clouds). This trip was optional, so there are actually only 14 people going. We will get back early Sunday evening.

Monday morning I will leave my house at 5:30am for Nicaragua, and we will be gone for 10 days. I will be back here at home in San Jose for 1 day (Fri March 4).

Then on Saturday (March 5), we have spring break (which is actually only 4 days here!). I am going with 4 other girls, and we will be gone for 3 days. The day after we get back, we will jump back into classes. So pretty much I will not be home more than 1 day in the next 2+ weeks.

While I’m in Nicaragua, I am not going to have any internet access. I am really looking forward to the Nicaragua trip most of all. I think this is going to be a really great chance to get to know another culture and other people. I am just really looking forward to getting to know this host family. I actually have a lot of homework that I need to do before we leave for Nicaragua. Yeah, we don’t just get the whole 2+ weeks off without homework! We have a lot of reading and writing assignments, and I really need to get going on this. So that’s just going to have to be it for now! I hope you are all doing well and enjoying life :)

Prayer requests for the next 2 weeks: Please pray that God would really be sufficient for me. Please pray that God would continue to draw me deeper to himself. Please pray that I can have quality time with God. Please pray that God would give me his grace as there are just a lot of changes and transitions going on in the next 2 weeks. I really truly am grateful for all your prayers.

2 bits of news

Hola!

Today I had class all day, and everything went fine. Just another full day of thinking and being challenged. It’s kind of weird to think that today was a normal day when there were so many difficult questions that were addressed and so many challenging topics to discuss. Such is my life right now :)

One person visited our class today and her name was Katie. She is a former student in this program and is one year older than me. She now is doing an 8 month internship in a place called “La Carpio.” This is a program with “Christ for the City.” I found out today that my internship in March is going to be here at this organization. It was really good to get to talk to her in person about what I’m going to be doing, and she was really sweet. I definitely felt like I had a good connection with her, and we have very similar personalities.

Here’s a little bit about La Carpio. It is one of the worst slums in San Jose, and it aims to help women who have been in difficult situations. There are different programs that are run here, and one of them is a high school. I will probably spend some time teaching math and English to these girls (there are 20 girls enrolled). These girls are in this type of program because they are not allowed in the public system. Either they dropped out because they had a baby, or cannot pay for uniforms, or have a learning disability.  There is also a daycare center that takes care of the children. Part of it is like an activity center where the boys play soccer. And my favorite part…there is part that is a clinic. I have no idea for sure what I will be doing, but I am under the impression that I will get to spend time here too. Tomorrow I am actually going to visit La Carpio to see more about what it is and to meet the different people I will be working with. Overall, I am so excited for this opportunity. I know it is going to be extremely challenging, but I think it will be a really growing experience.

One thing to mention is safety. This is a slum…so it’s really not safe. I will not be living in the slum, but I will have a host family in a nearby neighborhood. From my house, Katie said that you can see La Carpio. But there are transportation and safety issues, so I have to take a bus for an hour (one way) to get there. I guess there is a ravine that I would have to cross, and it is controlled by a gang. Therefore, I have to take a bus for an hour to get there. I say this just to ask for your prayers for safety during this time. I will hopefully know more tomorrow after I see the area and get a feel for safety here, but I know it is a significant thing that I’m asking for prayers on.

The second piece of news that I would like to share with you is this: I got an email last night informing me that I was accepted into the doctoral program of Clinical Psychology at Wheaton College! I am so excited about this and truly relieved. I feel like God has led me to this place, and I am definitely going to accept this offer. In fact, I declined an interview at Fuller Theological Seminary because I am so certain that this is where I want to be. Praise God for his faithfulness and for this new open door that is ahead of me! This program is 5 years long (full-fime with 6 weeks off in the summer), so this is definitely a significant decision. I have been waiting for this moment of confirmation since October, so I’m just really relieved to have this news! Praise God!

The Market

After my presentation on Wednesday, a few of us girls headed downtown to San Jose. I hardly ever visit San Jose because we have classes all day long, and then at night we are not allowed to be out. This makes it tough to get there, but we finally had the perfect chance this afternoon as we did not have class after our presentations.

While we were down there, we spent most of our time at the Art Market. This is a place where artists sell their works. It is not entirely legal, and they have a difficult time making it. The man that spoke to our class a few weeks ago and about his story (Elmer) actually sells his paintings here. In fact, we saw him there, and he recognized us! He greeted us with handshakes and kisses, and we spent a few minutes talking to him. It really was cool to see him after hearing his story. This made the market so much more meaningful for me: this is not just a place to buy souvenirs or look at what is the cheapest. No, this is a place where people are really struggling to make it, and this is their life. They are trying to survive. It really changed my attitude of how I look for things to buy here. I’m less concerned about finding things for a good price, and I’m more concerned about where the money is going. When I buy things at this market, I know who my money goes to: it goes directly to the person that I’m talking to. I am not just buying a thing, but I’m having an interaction with the person who made the things. This is not just a separated, commercial business. It’s really awesome, actually, to have a personal conversation with the person whose things you are buying. It is not just a thing. This is their life. This is how they feed their family. This is the type of business I want to support.

This was made even more evident when we were talking to Elmer. As we were getting ready to keep walking, he sincerely thanked us for taking a few minutes to talk to him. He said that it is very rare that people actually stop and talk to him and ask him how he is doing. They only care about the things he sells. I found this so sad, and it just really was humbling to hear how much he appreciates a small conversation. It is such a small thing that really can make a difference. I think we made his day, yet I still think I was impacted more.

La Basilica

Hola!

The past few days have been pretty full with classes and homework. I got my paper done. It ended up being pretty intense: 14 page research paper on the role of women in the church in Latin America. Now today I have my 8 minute presentation on mental health in Costa Rica. It’s so wonderful to wrap big things up like this!

Monday, Valentine’s Day, is very similar here as it is at home: it’s a commercial holiday but can be cute for some people. Well, it was definitely an ordinary day for me, but then when I got home from class, I had this cute little bag of chocolates sitting on my bed. I went into the kitchen and found my family around the table, and I asked them about the gift. My dad had given it to me :) It was so cute, and it definitely made me feel loved, even if it is just the thing you do here. Next we enjoyed some Valentine’s Day cake for our coffee time, and it was just good to spend time with them.

On Tuesday we had class where we heard more information about our trip to Nicaragua. We leave next week Monday at 6:00am and we are told that the trip will take between 10 – 15 hours, depending on the traffic. We will be gone for 10 days, and just a heads up that I will have no internet access at all while I am over there. Not even internet cafes, and for sure not in our houses. Just remember that if you think I fell off the earth when I don’t’ write for a long time :) More on Nicaragua later…

The rest of our class period on Tuesday was about the church in Latin America. Catholicism is definitely the predominate religion here, and it was really good to learn about a lot of their beliefs in the past and also in the present. I really appreciated this lecture; after all, I’m super into theology (even after my life-crisis the past few weeks :)

After a time of lecturing, we loaded up in buses and took off for another city which is home to the most important church in Costa Rica: The Basilica. This church is huge. Seriously gigantic and beautiful. It took up a whole city block, and the inside was adorned with all kind of images. I would like to share some of the information we learned about, but honestly it’s a lot to just type out. So just know that there is a really interesting story/belief that people have about how the church got started. I saw the actual rock that the church was built on, and it was just really interesting to see. It was also fascinating to see that there were so many people in the church when we were visiting in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. If you are a devout Catholic, you will go to the church everyday to pray. There were many people in the church doing that as we were visiting. It was really a cool experience to be learning about the Catholic Church and then visibly see people who believed these things. For those of you who don’t’ know much about Catholicism, I recommend that you look it up. It’s our roots and it is fascinating. Plus it’s good to learn and be stretched :)

One more interesting fact about the Basilica: every year on August 2, people in Costa Rica take a pilgrimage to this church. They walk really long distances to get to the church for this day of celebration. One of my professors does this too, even though he does not consider himself Catholic. It is also a very cultural thing here to do this pilgrimage. This past year, over 2 million Costa Ricans walked to this church. For many, the trip takes days to get here, or for sure several hours. It’s really an interesting thing to learn about.

My prayer for all of you: “Father, thank you for the prayer warriors who are joining me on this journey. Thank you for their encouragement and for the blessing that they have been on my life. Thank you for showing me your love through them. Please bless each person who reads this blog, and please be sufficient for them. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Me and God.

First of all, yes, this is the 2nd post today, but this one's a different tone and topic. During the drive yesterday, I had a lot of time to think and reflect on where I was with God. It was really a blessing. This blog post is going to be focused on my spiritual journey the last 2 days, so if you aren’t up for going that deep, just skip this blog :) It will probably end up being lengthy too…consider yourself warned. :)

The main questions I’ve still been wrestling with are these:

1.       How do I know that God is real and true?

2.       How do I know that God wants ME?

I know that you might think, “I thought you already decided that you got it figured out?” Well, yes and no. Yes in the sense that I’m getting to believe it more and more, but no in the sense that I’m totally 100% convinced. I feel like my journey to believing might be taking a long time, but I don’t want to shortcut the process and act like everything is going great all of a sudden. I want to really get this all figured out so that I don’t’ have this crisis again in a year when something else dramatic happens in my life.

As I thought about the first question, I just felt like I was being challenged by something greater than myself. I truly believe God was placing different thoughts on my heart, and here is a rough sketch of what it was like:

How do I know that the earth is round? Have I ever seen the whole earth? Have I ever witnessed that it is round? No. So why do I believe that? Because other people have told me that. I trust that they know what they are talking about b/c science is their field. I trust that they know what is going on because I trust science. How do I know that science is real? How do I know that science should be trusted? Well, I guess I don’t’ know that. It is just something I believe.

So why do I not believe in God? Why do I assume that the Bible is something that needs to be “proven”? After all, you can never really “prove” anything. The truth is, the Bible is the biggest selling book in the history of the world. There is historical evidence of biblical events. Why do I think that a science textbook should be more reliable than the Bible? I have no good answer for that. After all, the things that are said in a science textbook are just as radical (if not more) than what is said in the Bible. Why would I believe that a table is made up of billions of tiny atoms and molecules that I cannot see? It’s also absurd to think that the earth is floating in an atmosphere held by gravity—a thing that I cannot see. I only trust that gravity exists because I see its effects.

I feel like my beliefs for why I believe in science are very parallel to why I should believe in God. I want to believe in God because I truly feel his love and his passion for me. However, I’m not quite to that point yet, and I know I still need to stake my life on something.

I want to boil everything down to its simplest form. I want to be able to tangibly understand God and understand the world. The truth is, though, I just can’t’ do that. I can’t figure out the world and I can’t figure out God. I want to be able to understand God and just have this simple little outline of who God is, but the truth is, God is way more complicated than that.

How else would I explain the world coming into being? It seems even more ridiculous to think that “oh it just happened.” The things in this world are entirely too complex to have been designed by chance or even by humans. There is no way that the human mind can figure out how to make a person so that he or she can be a living, functioning being. There is no way that can be so. When I look at the world and all the complexities in the world, I realize that there HAS to be something greater than me out there. God has to be real.

I see God in nature, and I see God in other people around me. I see what he is doing in their lives, and I see that it is something that I desperately want. I see people who are passionate and in love with God, and I see that they are so peaceful and happy. That cannot be faked. They are on to something.

I know that the Bible doesn’t make sense, but I also don’t think that it has to. I don’t think that it’s necessarily supposed to. I’m not sure why I think that it has to make sense rationally. Oh wait, I do remember…because when I don’t particularly FEEL God, I need to know that what I believe is true and real. I don’t want to have this crisis every time I do not experience God.

As I wrestle through all these questions, I find that the thoughts that are on my heart are not from me. They are coming from something outside of myself.

Here’s the irony in this situation. How do I know that what I believe is real? Because it just seems right. It just feels right. I just know it is. I just have faith that it is. When I think about that, I’m realizing that those answers are based on experience, not a head-knowledge. I’m telling myself that I believe because I know that God is real. How do I know that? I don’t KNOW that…but I just feel like I have to. The paradox is that in the past, I’ve always believed on head-knowledge, and my experience of God has been very little. Now, I feel like my head knowledge is out the window because I’m realizing that the Bible doesn’t’ make rational, logical sense. But what I do feel like I have right now is just the deeper feeling that what I have believed really is right. My heart tells me that the Bible isn’t supposed to make sense. Nothing in life makes sense. Nothing is logical. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean it’s not true. That doesn’t mean I can’t believe it.

I just have this feeling that I’m being stubborn, but in the end, I’m going to end up believing stronger that the Bible is true and what is right. I know that I’m really fighting through this topic right now, but I know I don’t’ want to shortcut this growth process. I want to keep wrestling so that I don’t have to go through this again in a few months.

So why do I believe in God? Not b/c the Bible is logical. Not b/c my head has reduced the Bible and God into something I can understand. If that were the case, God wouldn’t really be that great because let’s face it, my brain can’t handle too much. I don’t believe just because I totally have this emotional high where I just know that God is real and feel high on the Holy Spirit. I believe because I have faith that there is something bigger than me. I believe because I know that other people around me have something that I want. I believe because I know that it doesn’t’ have to make sense. I believe because there is no other option. I believe because I cannot get away from this. I believe because I cannot seem to truly stop believing. I believe because I just can’t seem to let it go.

Spur of the Moment...pt 2

Yesterday we started off the day by sleeping in again. I asked them on Saturday night if we were going to church, and they said that they do not really like their church and did not feel like they get filled when they go. They said they go more out of obligation, and they don’t’ like that. So we didn’t go. It was nice for me to be able to start the day by spending time with God and journaling. It was a really great start to the day.

At about 11, we had breakfast (or maybe more like brunch?) and then we watched a soccer game on TV. I also spent some time doing homework. Then about 3:00, my sister comes into my room and tells me that we are leaving. So out the door we go! I thought she said we were going to eat, so I figured it would only be like an hour or so. Well, I was definitely wrong!

We proceeded to drive to Heredia, which is another province in Costa Rica. While we were here, we drove all up in the mountains, and it is just so beautiful to drive up in the mountains. I love driving through this country because there is always something to look at. We drove for a couple hours, and then my dad said we were going to see where the earthquake damage had been. About 2 years ago, Costa Rica was greatly affected by an earthquake. The whole country felt the earthquake, but there were definitely parts of the earthquake that felt it a lot stronger. The part we drove through was just unbelievable. The mountainside that once was full of houses and green grass and trees was completely bare rocks and dirt. All the houses that had been built on the mountain had fallen, and a lot of people died. A whole town was completely demolished—there are virtually no remnants of a town even left. A few houses are still standing, but they are in extremely poor condition. Most of the houses were completely destroyed and are no longer visible. The road was totally mangled, and it was an off-roading experience for sure. Driving along this damaged road was the worst roads I have ever experienced, even worse than the roads in Africa. There were just huge potholes (some were half the size of a car) and parts with half pavement-half gravel. It was just so damaged. The amount of land, roads, and homes that were affected by the earthquake was huge: we drove for probably over an hour as we saw the destruction. This means that we were on this off-roading experience for over an hour, which is quite the ride! Seeing all the destruction was incredible and so sad. So many people lost their homes, everything they had, and many even lost their lives.

Once we got through the more destructive part of the journey, we went on to see a waterfall: La Paz. It was so pretty and just so natural. We actually saw about 7 little natural waterfalls as we drove along, but this one was really legit and more of a touristy place. I was really disappointed that I had no idea we were taking this trip, b/c I didn’t have my camera! My sister took pictures on her phone, but they are kind of low quality. Anyway, I just came to accept that God wanted me to just take in the scenery and be present in it, insead of trying to capture it in a picture that would never do it justice anyway. So that’s what I did: I just enjoyed being present and tried to soak in all the beauty around me.

When I told my family I was sad I didn’t have my camera, my dad just laughed and said that I should always bring it with me because they never know where they will end up. My mom was like “yeah, we just get in the car and drive.” I asked them if they knew they were going to take me to see the waterfall, and they just smiled and said “nope.” Haha, I love the randomness of this family. It’s so refreshing. They had no idea what they were going to do or where they would end up, but here we were—a few hours away from home, just driving through Costa Rica and enjoying its beauty. How refreshing to not have a plan or think you need to know what time you will be back. When I’m with them, I have no idea what is going to happen, but I really did just enjoy the ride.

On the way back to San Jose, we stopped at this beautiful restaurant for lunch/supper. It was about 7:00, so we kind of missed our afternoon lunch that we were going to do! The restaurant, of course, was outside, but it had like a thatched roof overhead. There were like 2 sections of an open aquarium, and there were these fish in there that were relatives of the priannah. These fish were huge! To demonstrate their size, I would estimate that they were like 2 feet long and 1 ½ feet wide, and they were just swimming around in their tank that was made of rocks and windows. It was just a gorgeous restaurant.

After we left the restaurant, we proceeded along the mountain roads. By this time it was night, so the fog was really heavy. There were times when we could not see the road at all. We probably were driving like 10 miles an hour for a lot of it as we had no idea where the road was. And keep in mind that the roads here are through the mountains, which means that they are constantly curving. The ride to Pella would be considered straight as an arrow compared to these! You seriously are like turning every 50 feet. The ride back to our house took over an hour, but we finally made it safely. And our journey ended about 9:00. What a great way to spend the Sunday afternoon: nothing but a free schedule and the beautiful Costa Rican landscape. :)

Spur of the moment

Hola!

People often want to know what families are like in Costa Rica. Well, that’s a really tough question. If you ask me what the typical American family is like, I can give you a generalization, but that’s exactly what it is: a generalization. No family fits the exact same mold. There are huge variations in families. My family in America is totally different than yours. Your family is totally different than a millionaires. The same is true here—there is a huge variety in families. So keep that in mind as I talk about my Friday night because there is really no such thing as a “typical” family.

Last night I hung out with my family for most of the night. I worked on homework while they watched TV (the common hang out place is the parent’s bedroom, not the living room). At about 8:45pm, my mom started making food, and I asked her if she wanted help. This is very normal for our family to eat supper this late at night. Now, some of my classmates say that they eat supper at 6:00 and are in bed by 9:00. Again, it just totally depends on the family. Anyway, my mom told me that she didn’t need help, but then asked the dad to go to the supermarket to get milk. I told him I wanted to go with him, so we headed out. The supermarket is right on our block, so it didn’t take long at all. On the way to the market, he asked me if I was tired, I said yes, but that I was alright. To make a long story short, we had about a 5 minute conversation on what should have taken about 30 seconds for me to understand, but I was just so confused! This hasn’t happened a lot accutally: where he has to rexplain something like seriously 4 times for me to get it. Usually one more time is good enough, but I was seriously not understanding what he was talking about. He was being really patient though :)

The conversation ended up being that he wanted to know if I was tired because the family wanted to go out to eat in a restaurant that is about 20 minutes away. Part of the reason I was confused is because my mind isn’t thinking of going out to a restaurant at 9:00 at night, especially in San Jose where everyone stays inside after 6:00pm for safety reasons. I was also confused because my mom was making food! He ended up saying that the mom was only going to cook a little bit, and it was for the next day. After I finally understood what was going on, we packed in the car at about 9:15 and headed out to the restaurant.

On the way to the restaurant, my sister was getting texts from one of her friends who was about to go into labor. So we stopped by the house by her house to see how she was doing and to see if she needed to go to the hospital. It was so sad to see this…the girl was tiny. Just 17 years old and totally pregnant. She was 1 day over her due date, and just looked ready to pop, even though she was tiny. It was really sad too because my parents were saying that her parents really weren’t helping her too much, hence the reason that she was texting my sister. Melissa (my sister) said that her “friend” was really only texting her because she wanted my dad to help her and take her to the hospital. After all, I guess he had taken Melissa’s last pregnant friend to the hospital. Yes, that’s right. My 16 year old sister has had at least 2 pregnant friends…probably more actually. Teenage pregnancy is sadly very common here.

After realizing that she didn’t’ need to go to the hospital right now, we headed on to the restaurant, where we ate at a typical Costa Rican restaurant. The restaurant was so cute: it was like a log cabin with all wooden things inside: wooden tables, wooden benches, very rustic looking, and open to the outside. Most of the restaurants here are not enclosed buildings. The restaurant was really good, and the food I ordered was good too. I had a casada con pollo y aguadulce con leche. These are both very traditional Costa Rican things. It was really good…but I will say that eating so much food at 10:30 at night is really challenging, especially when it is very rude to leave food on your plate!

This morning I went to the farmer’s market with my dad, and I really like going here. I’m getting better at figuring out what they are saying when the spit out the numbers so fast on how much stuff costs! It’s really interesting to see the conversions too and how things compare to the United States. When we got back, we made lunch (yeah, I mostly watched again :). After lunch my dad went to the supermarket and bought ice cream which was just such a treat! It reminded me why ice cream is one of my favorite foods :)

After that, we watched a movie that we rented on cable, and I worked on some homework while we watched this too. It was so sad because the movie they rented was in English (which is normal) but it didn’t have Spanish subtitles (which is not normal)! So my poor dad had no idea what was going on, but he totally was into the movie the whole time and was laughing at their actions and everything else. Once in awhile he would ask me what happened or what they said. Haha, it was just so sad that he was watching this movie that he had no idea what was going on! My sister probably understood a lot of it, and my mom was playing a game on the computer so she wasn’t really paying attention anyway. Oh well, so it goes!

The rest of the afternoon I mostly did homework and just kind of chilled with the family and one of the grandkids. This particular grandson is 11, and he is just such a cute and mature little guy. He’s been around for several hours now, and he’s really here a lot. I never hardly see the other grandkids, but he’s here at least several times a week. He’s really precious and I like him a lot :)

 It’s been really good having a more relaxed day as it has given me the opportunity to really spend time with God, and I’m really thankful for that time. While I was working on my homework, my parents said that they were going to leave but be back. When they got back, they had a new TV for my sister because she passed her exam for school. We set up the TV and put her old TV in the kitchen. I honestly feel so helpful and tall here because I’m taller than everyone in my family. I actually felt useful during this process of moving the TVs!

Overall, it has been a really good day. It has been relaxed and low-stress, even though we have a ton of homework. Even so, I do feel like I made some progress on my homework, so I’m relieved about that. For this Wednesday I have a 15 page paper due (in Spanish) and then an 8 minute oral presentation (in Spanish) that I have to give on Wednesday too. Unfortunately, these are for 2 totally different classes so none of my information can be used in both! This means a lot of research, but I think I’m making gains at least. I hope you are all having a wonderful Saturday, and thanks for reading :)

A Tica Weekend

Hey everyone!

I feel like I kind of have a lot to say, so brace yourself before reading this :)

First of all, today we started off by having a “Spiritual Journey” exercise. We had no idea what this was going to be like, but instead we were all just told to come to class at 8:00 like usual. The professors explained to us that we were going to be sharing our spiritual journeys with the group (there are just over 40 people total). We went around the circle and shared with the group kind of a brief description of where we are in life and what God is doing. This activity took over 3 hours to do, and I have some mixed feelings about it.

Now, I am not one to just share my deepest thoughts and experiences with people (which may seem surprising since my blog is pretty honest, huh?) In general, I am very distrustful of others, and I do not open up easily. This morning was no exception. I made up my mind from the beginning that I was not going to just spill my life story to these people. Mine was probably one of the shortest sharing times, and I just simply said that I am wrestling with God on getting my beliefs from my head to my heart. I said that I have doubts and questions right now but that God is working me through them. Pretty much that was it. well, for those of you who know me well, you know that there is a whole lot that I didn’t say :) There were some students who talked for like 10 minutes about their testimony, a major thing that happened in their life, an accident they had, or an experience where they really felt God. There were some people who were kind of general as well. For me, this is just totally not my type of experience. It is entirely too impersonal. I do not want to share my story with someone who doesn’t necessarily care and who is not going to follow-up with me. It is not genuine to me.

However, I also learned to see the beauty in an activity like this. Just because this is not my way of sharing does not mean that it is wrong. It just means that my personality and my personal experiences are not going to participate in this type of sharing. On the flip side, I see that there are good things about the people who do share in this type of situation. This sharing experience allowed me to see these people in a different light, and it helped me to appreciate them more. I am a firm believer that everyone has a story, and it was helpful for me to hear more of their stories. It helps me understand them and why they are like they are. The problem I have though is that it also leaves me feeling like there is soo much more that I don’t know about those people. I guess that’s the psychologist in me…I want to know more than just the 2 minute version. If I’m going to get to know them, I want to really know them. Nonetheless, I think that this activity really did increase my appreciation for the rest of the group. I have an increased appreciation for the huge variety of Christians in the world.

That leads me to something else: it is amazing how many different Chrisitans I have met on this trip. The Christians that talked this morning are totally different and varied in their beliefs, their passions, their career goals, and their personalities. I truly saw the diversity of the church like I usually do not get to see in rural Iowa. It is really quite something to see the variety in the church. However, it is also scary. It really makes me wonder if that is okay to have that much variety…can we really all be right? For the sake of time, I’ll keep that battle to myself :)

Another thing that I want to mention to you all is the idea of a Tico weekend (remember that Tico is what the people here are called). This topic came to mind as the students today were talking about and thinking about what we were going to do this weekend. As usual, I have no idea what I will actually end up doing this weekend, but my first reaction is that we need to go out and see and experience Costa Rica! Right? After all, we are in this paradise and I need to go experience it. Hmm...I guess I’m not sure about that type of thinking. Let me explain.

Here is the struggle that many of the students (including me) are feeling. We are from the United States which means that we come with values that we hold. One of those values is the value of “doing” and productivity. For a typical American who is in Costa Rica, a great weekend would be visiting a beach, eating in a new restaurant, seeing a volcano, hiking a mountain, or visiting a rainforest. Those things sound really awesome and fun, and you probably all want to do them, right?

Well, now let me explain what the typical Tico wants to do on the weekend: relax. What does that look like?  A good Saturday would be sleeping in til 10:00, eating breakfast, watching TV, eat lunch, take a nap, and watch TV again the rest of the day. A good weekend maybe includes a trip to the farmer’s market, but other than that, it would be great to not leave your house.

Why am I here in Costa Rica? I am here as a student to learn the culture of Costa Ricans. Notice that I did not say I was here to be a tourist. Therefore, I am really trying to work on what this looks like. It might mean that I do not do anything all weekend but homework and hang out with my family. This might mean that I do not go to the beach that is only a few hours away. This might mean that I do not really “do” anything. And I am learning to really try to be okay with this. The American in me wants to go and see stuff, experience the nature, and do all these unique things while I’m here in this tropical paradise. However, I am here to learn about Costa Rica and see what life is like here. Therefore, maybe I’ll sit all weekend with my family in our little house. This is actually more of the Costa Rican experience.

I know that when I get back, all the people I talk to will say: “Costa Rica! What did you do?” For sure. I bet every single oone of you asks me that very question :) However, it’s very possible that my answer will be “disappointing” for some people because it might not be a jammed pack list of things I did every weekend. What if I just told you that I learned about Costa Rican culture? What if I said that I build relationships with my Tica family? What if I told you that I relaxed and took the weekend off?  Now, in all reality, we do get to experience a lot on this trip. I will have had opportunities to see Costa Rica and experience different things, including Nicaragua and Cuba.

The point I’m trying to make is that not every weekend is full of tourism and sight-seeing. My American values say that I need to be doing something or I am boring or a loser or worthless. In reality, that is absolutely based in my American culture. I truly believe that life should not be about doing things. Life needs to be about being. I need to rest. I need to take a break. I need to enjoy life that I have today because tomorrow is not guaranteed. I also fully believe and accept that there is more to Costa Rica than just beautiful nature. There are also really awesome people here, and they are my priority. If I really want to be a tourist, I can come back on vacation some day. Instead, I’m here as a student who wants to learn and who wants to be changed by their culture. If I am going to get the most out of this experience and truly be open to being changed, I need to immerse myself in their culture. That means I might be sitting on my bum this weekend. And I’m okay with that.

I hope you all have a good weekend too, and I hope you rest. I hope you see that you do not have to DO something to be worthwhile and valuable. The importance and success of my life is not dependent on whether I accomplish something today. If you feel like your life is all about doing, I really encourage you to challenge this value and see if it is really a value that you want to keep holding on to.

Organic Farming

Hola!

Today we went on a field trip for our morning class, and we visited an organic farm. Now, I’ve never really been into organic farming. Nonetheless, I decided to go into this morning with a totally open mind, and I was able to have several interesting conversations about organic farming. Like most of the things I’m learning about, I cannot simply address this issue in a blog post, so I’ll keep it brief. Basically, this one man has this whole farm to himself. I’m not entirely sure how big it was, but it was fairly large…how is that for being general? :)

Anyway, this man was just totally impressive. He was so incredibly humble and meek, and he just had a solid heart. He was passionate about God and about taking care of the ground that God gave him. He gave us a tour of his farm and told us about what he does.  It was obvious that he does not do this because it is an obligation. He does this because he really believes what he does, and he is passionate about his life. And his joy was so evident in his life. It was really humbling, and honestly a blessing to meet him.

After we were done with the tour, his wife had this whole little cafecito (coffee time) fixed up for us. We had pineapple, papaya, watermelon, homemade fruit juice, organic grown coffee, and this bran bread that she made. It was all soo good. Of course, everything we ate was grown on their farm. They actually grow most of the food that they eat. If they do not grow it on their farm, they buy it from neighbors or at the farmer’s market. They buy very little food from the supermarket.

I mentioned that they had organic coffee. Those of you who know me well know that I do not like coffee. At all. I have tried it several times, but I just cannot get myself to like it. Since I was on an organic farm, I knew I could not pass up the chance to try this coffee. So I took a sip of someone else’s…and I can honestly say that I would drink that willingly. Now, I know the girl put a lot of sugar in it, but it is still HUGE for me to admit that I would actually drink coffee without gagging. Impressive, huh?

One thing I noticed about being up in the mountain like that was that it was just so nice to be out of the city. The city is suffocating at times. It just is really busy and loud…all the time. I forgot how much I love the silence in nature, and it was so nice to have a break from the city when we were up in the mountains at his farm. Yes, his farm is in the mountains…what did you think? It was going to be flat like Iowa?! We had to hike (like seriously hike!) to get around his farm.

After our field trip, we had our Spanish class for the rest of the afternoon. I walked home (1 ½ hours) and then had cafecito with my family. During this time, I laughed a lot. My dad was trying to talk in English, and it was just so funny. At first I kind of felt bad for laughing at him when he tries to speak in English, but I couldn’t help it! and now we just all laugh :) It is so cute though because he really doesn’t know English, but he knows a few words. So he told this joke in Spanish and then wanted me to help him translate it so he could say it in English. It took like 5 minutes to get him to say this joke because I had to like tell him the words to say and then he had to like practice saying them because his accent is so strong! He would try to say words in English, and I would have no idea what he was saying because his accent is so strong (and there are a lot of sounds that we have in English that are not in Spanish). For example, they really struggle to say “zero” because they do not have the “zzz” sound in Spanish. I tried to get him to talk like  a bee, and then add the “ero.” To be honest, it didn’t really work, but we really had fun trying :)

This was just another example that I realized afterward that God was using in my life. This was something that he gave me…the chance to laugh again. I realize that this was a blessing from God and I thank him for this opportunity, and I also thank him for giving me the eyes to see this as a gift from him.

Thanks for all your prayers. Please pray that God would continue to help me see him throughout the day. Please pray that I would have time to connect with God and really be patient in this journey when I do not have quick answers. Please pray that I would be content with where I am right now, and please pray that my relationship with God would deepen. Also, our professors are working on our internship placements. We are going to have these internships for almost a month later in the semester, and this is really a big part of our experience here. Please pray that God would just guide the process so that I would get placed at the location that God wants me. I have been working with my professor about where I’m going to be placed, but I just pray that God puts me where he wants me.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me. :)

The week so far.

First of all, thank you all so much for your prayers and encouraging emails. I humbly appreciate them, and I honestly think I can feel the power of your prayers. I am greatly encouraged. Oh how I wish I could respond to each email right now…but I simply cannot do that. Please know that I am deeply thankful, and I will respond to the emails as time allows me to!

Since my last update, God has specifically showed me a few times of how he is pursuing me. This has been awesome. I am reminded that as much as I want to see him and know him more intimately, he desires that even more. He wants to be with me, and I am encouraged as he reminds me of things this week. In specific, I had an awesome conversation with my Tico father, and this was a huge blessing. I also had a devotional sent to me by a friend, and this was “ironic” timing. It was just what I needed to hear. In addition, it has been so wonderful to read emails from people praying for me and giving me thoughtful words of wisdom and encouragement.

God has been faithful to me. In some ways, it almost feels like I’m starting over with him, but he is being so patient with me. My faith right now feels fragile and young and vulnerable. This is scary and sad to me, but it is the reality. I am truly trying to seek God intentionally and really trust what he is doing in my life. Faith itself is a gift from God, and I am earnestly praying for God to continue to fill me a deep and true faith. I pray that at the end of this testing, I will be refined and better fit for service to the King. I pray that God shows me that is not just an “option” in the scheme of religions, but that he is the real deal. I am praying that God fills me with himself and continues to reveal himself to me. I also pray that God gives me the ears to hear him, as I know that there is a lot of noise in my life right now. I pray that God continues to pursue me, and I pray that I may recognize his passion for me. I pray that I would feel his love in my life and receive the gifts he has for me. I pray that his Spirit would be alive in me. I humbly invite you to join me in these prayers.

As far as a brief update on the activities of my life right now… for those of you who are really getting bored of all the deep stuff :) This weekend was really a relaxed weekend. As you can guess, this was just what I needed, and I know this was a gift from God to help me in this time. Right now, classes are just crazy busy. Believe it or not, you get homework on a study abroad program. I had heard that you do not get much homework on study abroad programs…I definitely disagree with that! Many of us are feeling a little overwhelmed ith how much we have to do: homework, spend time with our families, walk to for 3 hours a day, spend so much time in class, do fun things in Costa Rica, reconnect with family and friends back home, devotions and time with God…the days are just so full. It is really difficult to balance everything, and I thank you so much for your patience in understanding that I cannot email as often as I would like to. Please know this is so hard for me as I deeply want you to know how important you all are to me.

Today the speaker we had for class was the far left side of the political spectrum here in Costa Rica. He is a very famous politician here and has been in Congress 2 different times. So you might wonder what are his views? In a nutshell: the opposite of the United States. It was realy interesting to have this lecture because last week we visited the US Embassy here in Costa Rica. During this time, we went through all this security and listened to some people from the United States talk about our relationships with Latin America. Now today we heard the opposite perspective. It’s been really good and interesting to here these competing sides, but it is also super hard: how in the world do you know what is true? I do not fully know where I stand on these issues (immigration, Latin American relationships, Free Trade, and the Drug War are the major components). However, I now realize that it is important to figure it out. I need to sit with the information and sift through some things, but I know realize that it is important to have a position on situations like this. My days of thinking “oh, politics isn’t really my thing” have ended. It’s time to figure it out. I need to MAKE it my thing.

Yesterday when I got home from class, the family and I took off for the seamstress to get my sister fitted for their school uniforms. While the mom and sister went inside, my dad and I went to the Ice Cream store to buy ice cream on a stick (its not like  an ice cream bar…they are way better!) When we got back to the seamstress, we were waiting in the car and got into a really good conversation (the one I referenced earlier). We talked about what it means to feel God, and he shared with me what he felt like it meant to feel God. This was really interesting talking to him because he is Pentecostal. It was just the conversation that I needed.

When we got home, I worked on homework for awhile, my dad showed me some pictures on the computer, and then we ate supper. After supper, I ended up talking to my dad again for a long time about solidarity and social justice. It was a super good conversation, and I just have so much respect for my dad. I really feel like he is knowledgeable, and I can tell that he really tries to live out what he believes. He is definitely the one I connect with the most in my family…maybe it’s because we are both deep. Granted, sometimes it is hard for me to express my thoughts in Spanish...but I think I can usually get my point across :) One thing I do know: my Tico dad is one of my favorite people here in Costa Rica.

Right now my family is watching the Spanish version of “Ugly Betty” – a super big deal here :) I’m taking advantage of this time by spending some time with God and updating you all on my life. I hope you are all doing well. Thank you again for all your prayers and words of encouragement.

One of my favorite verses since coming to Costa Rica is Psalm 42:8: “But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.” Our God is great. Be encouraged and be blessed.

I can't afford not to.

Hey everyone,

Thank you for your prayers and emails over the last week. They have been incredibly encouraging. I truly appreciate the prayers, especially when I cannot find the strength to pray myself.

As I mentioned in my last blog, this week has been emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausting. I have been in one of the toughest spiritual battles that I have encountered thus far in my life. This week has been full of really hard questions: Is God real? How do I know I know that my religion is the right one? Does God really live inside of me? Am I just brainwashed? What gives me hope in my life?

I would love to tell you all that I have totally figured it out and that this spiritual crisis is resolved. But then I’d be lying. What I can tell you, though, is that God has been faithful to me. Let me try to briefly explain where I am right now. Okay, your right…it’s probably not going to be that brief :)

How do I know that the God I have been taught is the real God? Honestly, I do not know how I can know without a shadow of a doubt that my God is real and living. I am a skeptical person. I am very hesitant to trust or believe anything. I don’t like this about myself, but it is true. Therefore, it is very difficult for me to say right now that I am 100% confident that my God is the “right” God. However, I am learning that my skepticism is two-fold. This means that it is also very difficult for me to say right now that I am 100% confident that my God is NOT real.

The past few days, I have really considered what it would mean for my life if my faith really was fake…if I really had just been brainwashed my whole life into thinking that there is a God who is real and who loves me. When I honestly consider the option of a fake God, I’m not content sitting there. If my God is not real, I have no reason to keep going. I have no hope for the future. I have nothing to look forward to. I have no hope for peace or contentment. I have no way of coping with the things that come up in my life. I have to rely on my own strength (which seems non-existent right now). I have to start over. I have to completely redefine my life. I have to completely shift my way of thinking. I cannot pray before meals. I cannot go to church. I cannot journal to God. I cannot sit with God. Everything that has been so integrated into my life would have to be scratched, and I would have to redefine my life. Are you starting to understand why I was having a tough week?!

As I sat with those questions throughout the week, there were 2 things that really kind of touched me. First of all, the indigenous lady that we met (who got this all started!) said something very profound that really made sense to me. She said that religion is not something you can just change. It is part of you. You cannot just chose to change your religion and stop believing what you believe. In the same way, I cannot just decide to stop believing in God anymore than I can just decide to stop being a female. That is part of who I am. It defines me. I realize there may be some flawed Christian theology in this (after all, we believe that God can convert people and so forth…) The point is that this really hit me and I think God really used her words to encourage me.

I cannot just decide to stop believing in Jesus. I can’t do it. I have seen that this week. As I tried to consider my life without God, I was depressed, sad, scared, restless, tense, and stressed. That doesn’t’ exactly sound like a good alternative to me. I am realizing that Jesus is so ingrained into the depth of my being that I cannot just decide that he is not real. It is not something I can just deny. It is part of me. Jesus and Christianity are part of me, even if I don’t understand it all. Right now, there are a lot of things I do not understand, but I am learning that Christ is deeply imprinted on my soul. I may not know all the right answers right now, and I may have a lot of questions. Nonetheless, I do not have to have it all figured out before I start believing. There are always going to be questions and issues and problems in my life. I do not have to know the solutions before I believe in God.

The 2^nd thing that really touched me this week was an article I read entitled “Wrestling with Scripture.” How fitting. Well, I picked up the article, and it was incredibly intriguing. I’m not saying I agree with everything she said, but she definitely got me thinking. I also think God used her words to speak to me, even if I am twisting what she intended to say. In the first section, the lady (probably in her 60s by the looks of the picture attached) talked about how she continually wrestles with Scripture in her life.

This really made me realize that the Bible is not something I’m just going to get and then the wrestling part is over. Because of the way my mind works, I know that I am going to continually wrestle with God on different issues. Actually, my entire life thus far has consisted of wrestling with God on various issues. Instead of letting this frustrate me and make me throw in the towel, I need to realize that it is okay. It is something that will make me stronger in the end. Everyone’s journey with God is personal and different. My journey might be filled with a lot more wrestling than yours, but my journey in life is supposed to be unique. God is using my mind and my struggles with him to prepare me for something in the future…even if I can’t see what that is.

The woman in the article also talked about the Bible being a myth. She said that a myth doesn’t mean that it is not true, but she believes the Bible is a myth in the sense that it is a story by which you live. It is a worldview. She argues that everyone lives by a myth, and she has chosen the Bible to be the myth that guides her life. She can’t get away from it.

This was really intriguing for me because it just kind of made me see that my life has to be guided by something. Everyone lives their life by something. Something has to drive my life. Something has to give me purpose, passion, and meaning in life. Something needs to give me hope. If I decide that the Bible is not going to be that for me, then I have to replace the Bible with something else. Well, I really cannot think of something else that would be able to legitimately take that place in my life.

My life is going to be governed by something, so it might as well be the Bible. At this point in my life, it is the thing that makes the most sense to me. It doesn’t make sense for me to be an atheist. It doesn’t make sense for me to be a pantheist. It doesn’t make sense for me to be a Buddhist. I don’t understand Islam. Since I have to be governed by something, I’ve decided that I want to be governed by God. Now, I honestly do not know with 100% certainty that the God I believe in the real, true, living God. Nonetheless, I think God is developing that faith in me. That’s why it is called faith anyway: It is being certain of what I do not see. I cannot see God and I cannot know with scientific proof that he is real. However, I do know that I cannot find justification for NOT believing in God either. My life has to be ruled by something. I have to have hope in something. I want that hope to be Christ.

Final thoughts: I am also encouraged that the God that I believe in is true because of what I have seen in the lives of other people. There are amazing people in my life, but the ones who are the most loving and genuine are the ones who have a deep relationship with God. They have a peace and a passion for God. They convince me that God is real. When I see their lives, I cannot deny that they have something real. I cannot deny that they have something I deeply desire. They tell me they have Jesus. I have to believe that. With their lives, they convince me that I want their God too. I want to know that God. I want what they have.

I hope this all kind of makes sense. I know it is a lot of babbling, and I debated whether or not to include this in my blog. After all, this is personal and deep. However, I decided to include it because it is who I am. This is me. This is what I’m struggling with right now, and I am a big supporter in telling my story if that may help someone else who reads this.

So I know that right now, I have to believe in God and trust him to get me through these questions I have right now. Even if I do not understand everything, I first have to start with God. I have to believe he exists. I have to believe he is real. I have to believe he is worth fighting for. I have to believe that he is worth living my life for. I have to find hope in him. I have to believe that he is shaping me and changing me I have to trust that he will continue to reveal truth to me in the future, but for now, I need to be content just knowing that I’m on the right path. He is the right path. I have to believe this. I can’t afford not to.