Emotionally spent.

Hola!

This morning started off by giving a group presentation on what we feel is the appropriate response for Americans who are in Latin America. We gave our proposal and listened to the other 4 groups give their proposals. Over all, this morning was very challenging as I was faced with some difficult information. Some of the proposals included information about a bunch of different companies and their practices. This is difficult because many of the companies that I currently support by buying their products do not have ethical behaviors. When I learn about this information, I cannot continue living as I do. I know that things have to change in my life, but it is overwhelming to think about how many things are staring me in the face right now. It was a rather overwhelming morning.

After lunch, we had our other classes where I took 2 tests. I’m glad those tests are over, and I think they went alright. Honestly, the grade I get on a test down here just really doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal when I realize all these huge issues I’m learning.

So 1 presentation and 2 tests later, a few of us rewarded ourselves with the best cinnamon rolls that I have ever had in my life! There is a little bakery just down the block from where we take classes, and they are the only place that I’ve heard of in Costa Rica that has cinnamon rolls (apparently those are very American :) anyway, it was such a great treat after a long day!

Now I’m at home. As I sit here, I am starting to become aware of my emotions right now: overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. The past couple days, God has been continuing to peel back more layers of my heart to show me the brokenness that is inside. I am becoming more aware of my faults and weaknesses, weaknesses that I never even knew I had. On the one hand, I’m truly thankful that I’m becoming aware of these problem areas. I cannot change something that I do not know is broken. On the other hand, it is so overwheleming to think about all the things that need to change and be healed in my life.

I really ask for your prayers in this area. I pray that God would be patient with me during this process of peeling and healing. In addition, I continue to pray that God would guide me into truth for the 1,000s of questions I have about life right now. And finally, I sincerely pray for strength and grace in the next 5 weeks. Here’s why…

In all honesty, I’m feeling more homesick lately. I miss my family and my friends. Also, I think all of you know, but my sister is pregnant right now. She’s due in 3 weeks, and I’m just super bummed to be so far away right now. As I have mentioned before, my Tico family situation is not the most rosy. Speaking of my Tico family, they actually just left without me, and they didn’t’ bother to tell me where they were going or when they will be back. To be blunt, I do not feel very much love from them, and I’m really hungry for that. It just really makes me want to be at home where I know I’m wanted and accepted. I just want to be with people who know me and still love me anyway. I want to be in the kind of environment where I can just relax and breathe again.

But that’s not where God has me right now.

Instead I’m getting shipped off again. This Sunday I leave for my internship where I will live with a new family for 3 weeks. Not only will I have a new family and a new experience with my internship, but I will not be with any other students. It’s 3 weeks of flying solo. Basically, I’m starting all over again.

Part of me is looking forward to it: I’m looking forward to a new family and having a fresh start there. I’m also looking forward to not having any more official classes where I am bombarded by questions and difficult issues.

However, the biggest part of me is just exhausted and not sure I can handle what is about to come. My mind and heart are tired, yet I know that I’m going to need a lot of energy for this upcoming internship. I want to learn as much as possible from this experience, but that requires energy. I want to get to know my family and spend time with them, but again, that requires energy. I just really pray that God fills me with his life and spirit. If it was up to me right now, I think I would just take about 4 days to sleep :) I don’t think that’s going to fly over here though. So I just pray that God sustains me and shows me what it means to live with only him. I want to love him and know him more intimately through this experience.

I want to have time where I  can sit and think through some of these tough things that I’ve been trying to take in the last few days, but I don’t think free time is on the agenda. Although I don’t know my schedule, I’m pretty sure its like a full-time job. In addition to that full-time job, I have a lot of homework: several articles to read, a book to read, and 3 papers to write (everything is in Spanish by the way :) Not to mention I want to spend time getting to know my new family. I think these next 3 weeks could just be really full, so I really ask for your prayer support.

I want to sincerely thank everyone for your prayers and for continuing to think about me as you read my blog. Thank you also for all the encouraging emails that you send. Even though I do not have time to always respond to every single one individually, I am truly humbled as I read these sweet emails. I see God in them.