Me and God.

First of all, yes, this is the 2nd post today, but this one's a different tone and topic. During the drive yesterday, I had a lot of time to think and reflect on where I was with God. It was really a blessing. This blog post is going to be focused on my spiritual journey the last 2 days, so if you aren’t up for going that deep, just skip this blog :) It will probably end up being lengthy too…consider yourself warned. :)

The main questions I’ve still been wrestling with are these:

1.       How do I know that God is real and true?

2.       How do I know that God wants ME?

I know that you might think, “I thought you already decided that you got it figured out?” Well, yes and no. Yes in the sense that I’m getting to believe it more and more, but no in the sense that I’m totally 100% convinced. I feel like my journey to believing might be taking a long time, but I don’t want to shortcut the process and act like everything is going great all of a sudden. I want to really get this all figured out so that I don’t’ have this crisis again in a year when something else dramatic happens in my life.

As I thought about the first question, I just felt like I was being challenged by something greater than myself. I truly believe God was placing different thoughts on my heart, and here is a rough sketch of what it was like:

How do I know that the earth is round? Have I ever seen the whole earth? Have I ever witnessed that it is round? No. So why do I believe that? Because other people have told me that. I trust that they know what they are talking about b/c science is their field. I trust that they know what is going on because I trust science. How do I know that science is real? How do I know that science should be trusted? Well, I guess I don’t’ know that. It is just something I believe.

So why do I not believe in God? Why do I assume that the Bible is something that needs to be “proven”? After all, you can never really “prove” anything. The truth is, the Bible is the biggest selling book in the history of the world. There is historical evidence of biblical events. Why do I think that a science textbook should be more reliable than the Bible? I have no good answer for that. After all, the things that are said in a science textbook are just as radical (if not more) than what is said in the Bible. Why would I believe that a table is made up of billions of tiny atoms and molecules that I cannot see? It’s also absurd to think that the earth is floating in an atmosphere held by gravity—a thing that I cannot see. I only trust that gravity exists because I see its effects.

I feel like my beliefs for why I believe in science are very parallel to why I should believe in God. I want to believe in God because I truly feel his love and his passion for me. However, I’m not quite to that point yet, and I know I still need to stake my life on something.

I want to boil everything down to its simplest form. I want to be able to tangibly understand God and understand the world. The truth is, though, I just can’t’ do that. I can’t figure out the world and I can’t figure out God. I want to be able to understand God and just have this simple little outline of who God is, but the truth is, God is way more complicated than that.

How else would I explain the world coming into being? It seems even more ridiculous to think that “oh it just happened.” The things in this world are entirely too complex to have been designed by chance or even by humans. There is no way that the human mind can figure out how to make a person so that he or she can be a living, functioning being. There is no way that can be so. When I look at the world and all the complexities in the world, I realize that there HAS to be something greater than me out there. God has to be real.

I see God in nature, and I see God in other people around me. I see what he is doing in their lives, and I see that it is something that I desperately want. I see people who are passionate and in love with God, and I see that they are so peaceful and happy. That cannot be faked. They are on to something.

I know that the Bible doesn’t make sense, but I also don’t think that it has to. I don’t think that it’s necessarily supposed to. I’m not sure why I think that it has to make sense rationally. Oh wait, I do remember…because when I don’t particularly FEEL God, I need to know that what I believe is true and real. I don’t want to have this crisis every time I do not experience God.

As I wrestle through all these questions, I find that the thoughts that are on my heart are not from me. They are coming from something outside of myself.

Here’s the irony in this situation. How do I know that what I believe is real? Because it just seems right. It just feels right. I just know it is. I just have faith that it is. When I think about that, I’m realizing that those answers are based on experience, not a head-knowledge. I’m telling myself that I believe because I know that God is real. How do I know that? I don’t KNOW that…but I just feel like I have to. The paradox is that in the past, I’ve always believed on head-knowledge, and my experience of God has been very little. Now, I feel like my head knowledge is out the window because I’m realizing that the Bible doesn’t’ make rational, logical sense. But what I do feel like I have right now is just the deeper feeling that what I have believed really is right. My heart tells me that the Bible isn’t supposed to make sense. Nothing in life makes sense. Nothing is logical. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean it’s not true. That doesn’t mean I can’t believe it.

I just have this feeling that I’m being stubborn, but in the end, I’m going to end up believing stronger that the Bible is true and what is right. I know that I’m really fighting through this topic right now, but I know I don’t’ want to shortcut this growth process. I want to keep wrestling so that I don’t have to go through this again in a few months.

So why do I believe in God? Not b/c the Bible is logical. Not b/c my head has reduced the Bible and God into something I can understand. If that were the case, God wouldn’t really be that great because let’s face it, my brain can’t handle too much. I don’t believe just because I totally have this emotional high where I just know that God is real and feel high on the Holy Spirit. I believe because I have faith that there is something bigger than me. I believe because I know that other people around me have something that I want. I believe because I know that it doesn’t’ have to make sense. I believe because there is no other option. I believe because I cannot get away from this. I believe because I cannot seem to truly stop believing. I believe because I just can’t seem to let it go.